....

my head just wants to explode thats all really thats what I meant by the train comment, I actually meant what I said, I didn't mean to say it out loud I think though. I realized again after talking to this old coworker of mine who has a way more fucked up life than me that seriously my problems are nothing in comparison to hers in which almost every conceivable horrible thing you could have happen to you as a woman happened to her. She talks to my mom a lot and so then she is like oh you're so similar etc etc and it made me realize how my mother was always very cold with me and I don't think I ever learned how to express anything to anyone properly. And then I think of where she is in her life and I just feel bad for her. My coworker was saying she was so hard on me because she wanted me to be stronger than she was, but I don't even know what she is talking about because my mother is a cold hearted bitch when she wants to be and could be the sweetest pie too. But then when Im cold towards her she is all affectionate with me. She thinks that when im sweet with her I want something and thats not the case, I like being affectionate, its just always been hard to be.

I'm not blaming anyone for anything its just something that was brought up.