Earl Grey marches to a soliloquy

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


*Void, Apathetic & Logical*
Current mood:No Mood, No sound, Nothing

As Always I am very much the same, but yet a new found feeling has taken over my mind, and penetrated it so throughly that it is difficult to push away. My mere thoughts drain me of anything that makes sense, but in a way it all does, the oddest dream I had the previous night. I awoke in the afternoon to have realized something I have always known and refuse to acknowledge as anything really; again the common theme of irony in my life, how it plagues me so.

Demands fly from oblivious places, and then resentment from individuals who are fairly disposable. I do not play courting games, I do not play games. I am very blunt it either is or it is not, its that simple. I cannot stand my time being wasted, perhaps if people were more interesting I would not bore of them so easily. I swore I took my medication but I do not believe them to be effective. I must do that, I constantly ponder about these trivial things.

To say the least, my classes with the exception of a required course are entertaining, and I am feeling some sense of accomplishment. I hope my phone dies and turns off and then I cannot answer it. But yet it still serves a purpose. I do not even really want to speak to anyone, what is there really to say? It is all a waste of time, because I am just bored with anything anyone has to tell me. I intensely dislike being around others and wish to run away and be left alone and know no one. I have this urge to move all the time, I cannot stand being social.

---End Grandeur Thoughts for the Morning---

Sunday, July 02, 2006


.....Rx Relief .... Mad Girl...Epiphany....
Current mood: apathetic

"Prescription medication

Should only be used in moderation"-me

...Fucked throughly in my mind; Recalling the boy who is kind© -Real Date September 21st

So I ODed today and here are some nice facts to go along with what happened. I took them in odd numbers, Wellbutrin. I was so tempted to take the whole bottle because I figured can't just throw away drugs. Since Friday I have been fucked out of my mind. I am slowly recovering, I was in a trance for 3 fucking days. I can't believe this, I don't think I have ever been so fucked up in my life. I am still shaky, but not so much. I hope I didn't fuck up anything, but I swear I have Cherophobia. My best friend and I are no longer friends he wouldnt even tell me why, but thats fine, whatever. My affection for a certain person disgusts me, it will pass as this feeling always does. I get bored I move on.... stop wasting my time......

Things to do when you've oded

-Drink water

-Don't fall asleep

-Take a shower

-Call everyone important to you, and make sure they know what you need to tell them just in case you die.

Symptoms of overdose may include seizures, severe confusion, hallucinations, rapid heart rate, and loss of consciousness.

Yellow indicates what I experienced.

Monday, November 07, 2005


Des baisers noirs sous la mer
Current mood:apathetic.relaxed. pensive.glamorous.beautiful mes

Period Dec.8th- Dec 13th

....................................................................................

THE REBEL is the make-up style that suits you the best. key colors: black, silver, hot pink, and anything sparkley

I'm going to start in January applying to schools and fill out the FAFSA. I got that email today, I really need to be serious about shit. I will make a list of goals and plans but not now, I have hw to do...



Nov.12th

Day 1- In my Smoke-free life, well cigg smoke free life, I like smoking pot. I woke up this morning with this urge to have my outer labias pierced. I want chastity piercings, I need to really do my work, and all I can think about is silly things that might make me happy. Cunt do your homework, you're going to fail if you keep this up.

a shitty apartment in a trashy city.

someone beautiful to hold me when I sleep and warm to wake up to.

wearing my makeup to sleep and still being hot.

basically be Marla Singer hehe

I hate living with people but I could see myself living with a significant other, and yes I am thinking about it with someone.....

I know I could live with guys, I cant live with girls.. well technically "I can" I would prefer not to though.

I'm pissed that the one person I had the best relationship in the world I lost and it wasn't my fault it was theirs and I want that back more than anything in the world. If I could have that relationship back I would be so happy.

I do not need to be with someone, I just need affection and I'm good. I can go years without sex (obviously); then I wonder if I should ever do it again, it just complicates things.

I'm on the rag today yay. first day of rag. the wheatgrass shot really helped with cramps, I just need to write this fucking paper and shit.

I'm not going out tonight until I finish most of my hw seriously.

thats the rant for now...


November 15th .... 10 days until my birthday





Currently listening:
Bricks Are Heavy
By L7
Release date: 14 April, 1992

Sunday, January 02, 2005


New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze

Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the loo and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.
Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add. All girls.
Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!
This went on for awhile, in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Sold k-pins. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am, VERY EARLY but someone was being an asshole thats why everyone had to leave.
So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister i dunno she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.

PRICELESS

This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? I didn't think I gave off that vibe but apparently I did and I apologize for the problems it caused.

Monday, January 02, 2006


New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the W.C. and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.

Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add, all girls.

Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!

This went on for awhile; in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am; VERY EARLY for Club Fuxxx standards but someone was being an asshole that’s why everyone had to leave.

So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister I don’t know she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.



PRICELESS



This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? Finally got a message about this and they seem to understand I wasn't hitting on them.

Saturday, February 11, 2006


Quite Personal; Quite Nonsense
Current mood: anxious

*in a month someone will be a year older; not me; the fish in the sky*

Saw this and thought it was amusing: The boiled extract of this herb can be used as a douche for vaginal irritations: answer Privet.

Oh what are these? Current topics of interest.

http://www.cuddleparty.com/about/whatis.html

http://healing.about.com/library/howto/ht_hugatree.htm

http://healing.about.com/cs/grounding/a/bodyground.htm

http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/learnchakras.htm

I am sitting behind an infernal machine that makes me feel so anxious, among other things. Type1-C-1226; subject seems unresponsive and unnecessary, on this side of the experiment it is ended but perhaps the subject is in denial of their true homosexual nature. Questions Questions anyone? Species Genus however you put it: Out of site out of mind.(Beetlejuice Episode). The tried and true; the fish in the sky, its all in my head and seems like a lie. The intangible the impossible and the unimaginable.

Let's Play Worst Case Scenario...

1. Etudie. Travaille. Petite Ami. all suck all fail.... this is inevitable n'estce-pas? The two opposite sames aligned and it was great and it will be great.

2. No Etudie.Travaille. Le Booms. Disco. Voyager. Freedom. Completely free

3. Nien Null Nothing; this will in fact be a part of it somehow

4. That ideal image in my head that will ruin my life.

5. The most logical, planned, reliant, self-fulfilled, alone/not alone, etudie. travaille.

How much of this really matters?

How far can I push?

How far can I push you?

How far can I push you away?

How long will it take before you submit to me and then push back?

When will you stand up to me?

When will you realize I don't care and you are so disposible to me?

When will you realize that I do this on purpose and if you really cared you would see right through all of this?

I always get what I want, no wonder I get so bored.

The things that really matter, what are those? I know.

I have been complaining for nothing, I don't even care; these are trivial thoughts to occupy my never ending thought processes. These thoughts distract me from my real thoughts that make me even more anxious, flip out and have panic attacks. The medication is bullshit, all I feel like is a drug addict, I never envisioned myself this exact way. I suppose no one ever knows how they will turn out exactly, I knew how I would look and how I would act; but I wasn't sure on what habits I would have. I suppose it comes with the image, I'll never get away from it, I'm drawn to it.

My thoughts=their weaknesses

Their image=messiah

This makes sense, you just haven't figured out my logic or reasoning.

I can't wait to have a clove and enjoy it fully after suffering for so long. I long to quit infecting my lungs but it sometimes is very much needed. I'm debating about the other aspects and I suppose unless it really becomes an overpowering issue; its not important. I want to scream I want to scream I want to fucking scream. I am the girl in the corner who won't say anything to you, but will give you that dirty look because you are such a loser. Deep reserved. Kept intact why?
Question everything, is it so important to know everything, I just can't stand not knowing something. But with the answers I never have real answers when I find something else out, I question something else.

My stomach aches; give me some disco

I throb in pain, give me pleasure

Fuck you I just need to say

Number Cruncher... as in the game... what is it Number Munch? whatever it was called does anyone remember that? I always fancied the odd and prime numbers OF COURSE!

*Tea and Crumpets*

All I think about is my urges that aren't being fulfilled.

Actually it isn't, its just a topic I think about often.

Ever since you have known me has it not come across this way? Mia

I just had to prove to myself, that's the only person I really want to prove anything to. I just want to see if I can do it, I just enjoy the challenge. I don't need anyone and I don't really care if there is someone; I will always love myself more than anyone. I will go back to being completely antisocial again; I'm looking forward to not speaking to barely anyone. Always restraining myself, its too scary to let it all go and just let everything come out. But I definitely need some sort of emotional/stress/etc purging I want to be rid of it, I'm in transition and I'm almost through it; I can feel I'm almost there. Too many things to do, not enough time to complete it. Time Management. Not enough money nor motivation to do it; I'm not taking care of myself.

"I'm so real I'm beyond fake and one day you will ache like I ache"

It is not the sort of ache you think it is; its not the same fake nor the same real.

I'm so real, if you knew me you would know that. What you see is what you get.

XoX

Rozzalyn


aturday, June 17, 2006


*En Mon Tete*
Current mood:headache.other.manic

I believe a cigarette is in order at this very moment. What the fuck happened tonight, I'm very mixed right now. Sorted. Displayed.Torn.Assertive.Lost.Relieved.Writhing. Always with the strong feelings; never can be in the middle; one way or another; fuck I want this so badly but not really, I'm deceiving myself why? I love to distract myself from the painfully obvious. I wonder what the assholes are doing... prolly the same shit they always do, never ceases to surprise me how predictable they are. I've noticed the pattern and content to have kept my word. The lion in his den, pricking at his paw and feeling lower than dirt. Whilst the jovial archer is just in a state of ennui. Held back for so long, the final collapse of a lung, the poor dear. At least my grey muscle does not ache, thats because I'm cold and calculated and enamored with myself. My how I can keep myself entertained for hours, fucking manicness. This is why isolation is so pleasurable. I want to watch the sunrise again, the night at the beach was so enthralling. My instincts are always correct, long correspondences. You will not accomplish what you set out to do. I feel it coming soon, the lion must not die. I swear if he offs himself I would be so pissed. The synchronies are too perfect to be wrong. But the ebb of my life and how infernal the irony. Sounding too pretensious is absurd and I'm well aware of the disillusions of grandeur. Tonight I felt something that I haven't felt in awhile which I mean in months but before that was even longer. It's such bullshit; but its temporary and I will come out on top regardless. The phone call today was refreshing despite whatever was said. It could be anything really it wouldn't matter; I may change my mind; I am already bored but I keep thinking maybe its time for more. It's the one thing I've never been able to do, wait fuck I did it but not with someone I wanted to be with. Fuck stability, fuck the conventional although I do enjoy the furniture style labeled "Traditional" and that amuses me. Whatever. This is all bullshit, this is all banter in my head, none of it means anything to me. I'm glad someone picked up on it. I knew it would have never worked because we are the same person in so many ways, except I'm not like them. I had this entire conversation about past elitism and it's pros and cons. There is a little bit of possession on both parts although there is little to nothing to do about it. Except I refuse to actually admit anything, its just my aura of command. Demanding as fuck and always have been. Excuses why bother just be blunt with me, thats the way it goes, don't waste my time.

Memoirs. La porte avec ecrire. Little visions of things come to mind and some of them I cherish and others I simply displace but none of them do I regret. The only way I truly fail is if I fail to learn from the situation. Fucking lions how they weave themselves into my life and the lame rhyme and the sweet cheesy customer service rep. "have a nice day".... who says that... seriously. yet it's cute in this sickening way... this must be a problem. some forsaken emblem of nothing. Disappointment a familiar face, reminding me of certain things, wow that was odd how when envoked the fish succumbs to the centaur. BUSY SO FUCK OFF. GO AWAY. It's in your face so don't delay, why dont you waste some other day, you asshole. I'm not even angry I'm just jaded and bored. I'm not depressed. I feel so intensely but I fucking feel nothing. always on the damn see-saw. the drama. irony. but I adore the epipanies; I've managed to actually surprise myself. Never doubt me, it always works out no fucking matter what. The one time it doesn't will be my demise, its this morbid curiosity. How will it end? That reminds me of this story or movie where they read/tell them how they die and they die exactly in that way... oh its Big Fish. I cried I'm a pansy; Tim Burton films have the tendency in doing that because it visually expresses my feelings. My ideals of "Try" however romantic and appealing; once put into a reality perspective, knowing I could very well have that if I didn't already were just not worth it. I can't help thinking but I don't have any unanswered questions its more of firm convictions of being fucking dead on. I mean its possible I could be wrong but i'm uncanny at reading people. also people do not tend to excite, surprise, or entertain me too much.

that psychic has got to be wrong, but I know they are right and my cards
need to be read and my horoscope has seriously been fucking right for awhile now. The best part is she still didn't realize I took my fucking records heh, they aren't that interesting anyway.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


Teal
Category: Life

Sipping on Earl Grey with a void expression and a grey muscle; Petunia sits and stares into oblivion. She wonders many things as always but has an instinct that derails her logic. They often have a discrepancy, but one of them nearly always wins. Again it will prevail its inevitable. Robotic emblems that give a sense of being grounded. The process in which was enacted and forsaken is now in place.

Sebastien entered the picture just suddenly only in a whisper, a vagary. Ineffectual as always, in a distance and abrupt at her side. Never concise in their dealings it was just not meant to be.

Evolved in another form perhaps then it would but until then its absolutely doomed. Rather jaded and bored of all these flowery formalities, Petunia picked up her encasements and walked into the familiar shadows.

Act II

Sense of Accomplishment

Thoroughly and in abundance these things never graced the worries of Marja. Statuesque and exquisite in her ways, she cleared the way for the embracing of a higher consciousness. A higher being, able to reach levels of being those surrounding were not. Not in arrogance but extremely difficult to rationalize these processes to the unaffected and fishmongers.

Cut down. Fear of developing a potential that further separates into a further exploration of a dissection. The liver adores her for the constant care and consideration. Concrete Consequentialism. What rubbish speaks a fool. Curses the burning point. Omniscient and Ra. Covered in an ethereal benevolent force. THINKING MIND NOT FEELING BODY.

Never feeling, always thinking, constantly mad. Distractions none, truth completely, and adoration in spirit. Beauty in deep dark crevices of the grey muscle and the brain. Seldom displaced, forever showcased to unknowing eyes.

Act III

Intermission. Novel Idea

Ponder the trivial questions that ones that the others cease to be able to answer. It's not the same, they are not the same. Frankly do you care? Wasted energy on a faux-vagabond. Juvenile in the most vexing ways but good spirited. Sand still runs through the omniscient hand. No worry or doubt shall cross the path of those entwined with these soothsayers. But the others will be encompassed by another distraction and they will perish from our mind and become dust as they should.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


Anne, Neely and Jennifer

This works better than I thought it ever could. Today I bleed which of course makes both of us happy. I'm still in denial if I feel something, but doing this is just really easy and it doesn't bother me, that's why I stay. Fuck isn't that why I always stay. There is never any reason, other than. Well it's just hard to find these things and well I keep wanting to find something else, but why just because I can't feel trapped. I can't any sense of security, but they know it also. I'm not hard to read in any way, despite I'm not overly emotional, anyone with half a brain can tell what goes on, maybe that something is even going on.



So many choices, why should I choose, I can do any number of things. I'm barely ever stressed; I'm just in this really good place. I wish I could really describe it but I've been blank lately and overly affectionate.



Blanket

To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.

So we found these lights, and golden pieces of fabric from the Queen Street trash which never fails to have really cool trash. Someone made an electric chair from it.



I hand washed all my pantyhose and a few baby doll shirts.



He and I did 2 months worth of laundry because it really needed to be done.



We have been going out and staying out later which is great because we were both going insane from staying inside all the time.



Last night he stole this Ruby Gloom Poster for me, you can only get it here in Canada, because she now has her own show on YTV in Canada.

http://www.ytv.com/programming/shows/rubygloom/



It makes me happy!



We went to the Queens head and had some cheap shots; I can't drink so much due to my meds they have a bad reaction so I only had a shot of Jagermeister and 2 Ice Teas. Last night we went to the Blue Moon to drink and we both had a shot of Tequila with a lemon and salt. I just remembered how I had that Margarita Mix with Tequila and it was pretty good. The street booze I had found during September 1st during moving out/moving in day in Boston.



So my birthday is coming up and I told him what I wanted and what I want is actually cheaper than what he wanted to get me, he wanted to get me acupuncture session because I always have fucking back problems, because this bed we sleep in is so shitty and it makes a lot of noise. But seriously the coils stick in our sides and I can't even sleep on this side, so I sleep better on the other side, but either way this bed sucks.



Two books I just got The Frugal Traveler and Valley of the Dolls. The latter I'm half way through its really good.



We went to the Regent Park Film Festival; last night. It was free, it was held at a Public Middle School. I really love short films and of course independent stuff.



Love, Sex, and Ohhh….! Canada Run Time 89 Minutes

Co-presented by the Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival.



Films I liked:

INNOCENT: Cliff Kafai Mok/2004/Canada/6 minutes

This powerful animation film shows how love turns to hate under the influence of religious guilt.



It's animated and cute and funny and then it's really deep and disturbing.



FUTURE NATION: Kent Monkman/Canada/2006/10 Minutes

When a gay native teenager is outed to his older sister and homophobic brother back on the reservation- it's the end of the world-Literally.



It just has a cool plot, there are some things that don't make sense but the entire thing is really cute.



CAN YOU LOVE ME ?: Adam Garnet Jones and Sarah Kolasky/Canada/2005/10 Minutes. How far can the pursuit of love take you? This painfully intimate documentary about a Toronto artist's disturbing project is also an animation, an experiment with formal techniques and an examination of one woman's art and sexual politics.



I really liked this one because it was so honest, and it wasn't that disturbing it was really funny. An art student puts her picture on a flyer that reads; can you love me? With her phone number. So this guy Jordan

For my birthday he will buy me absinthe and we are probably going to the Mr. Leatherman Toronto, and take this S/M Seminar on Electric Play.



I was working on being a dominatrix and a foot model but we are leaving too soon for me to get much work. I will still do it and I think I may have a photo shoot coming up soon.



I'm making a scrapbook of our things from here. And I'm making a new outfit.



I just finished reading, Valley of the Dolls, so good.

hursday, November 23, 2006


New

I got a haircut, it was free courtesy of Aveda Salon in Toronto. It was a combined effort of the student and the instructor, either way I'm pleased with the results. The student showed me some cool tricks and teased by hair as well as making cool cuts and the back they did was really good, and everyone in the salon was quite impressed.

When I left he showed up like clockwork and handed me a bagel half with cream cheese and onion. Yum!

Last night

* Had Brandy
* Had absinthe
* Had a white Russian

We sat at the train station sitting around drinking Brandy out of a Paperbag, French Brandy no less. You americans are really missing out.



Sipped on the white russian and then sipped on the absinthe and then chased with the white russian, while on my Ipod Siouxsie was playing, it was one of those uber ridiculous moments.

So we are moving at the end of this month to Chicago. I plan on going back to school at some point in the near future.

Last night's dream:

To dream that you are playing a role in the movie, foretells that something from your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. It may also represent memories of images or scenes from your past. Alternatively, the dream may be pointing you toward a new role that you might be undertaking. Your unconscious is psychologically preparing you for this new role.



More in the works

-More photoshoots

-More results

-More crazy stories



hah whatever

Monday, January 01, 2007


nouveau-outings-chicago

I started my new job, its interesting so far. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but I'm learning quickly. New Years was better than I thought it would be but still didn't measure up to last year. This morning one of my favorite friends and I had a great conversation via aim. I'm off today and just relaxing, going to watch my Netflix, Hard Candy and my roommate's movie if I have time.



Listening to L7 and totally feeling it

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


heels. whip. plastic. hot wax and books

So I'm thinking new ink, new piercing and new hair style among other things, I just love new.

I hate shopping though of just any kind; can't ever find clothes in my size cause americans are fat. I bought a pair of pants which fit me fine in the store but when I wore them then fell off me, so it seems like I have to wear a belt with everything as well. Oh bought a pair of shoes a size and half smaller than what I need cause again americans are fat and need bigger shoes as well.

Also my sleep cycle is screwed up more than usual, I'm going to attempt to wake up early to do a few errands before I do my volunteer thing. I can't really sit around the house at all cause one it rots my brain and body and second it fucks my sleep cycle up and lastly it makes me just a little bit lazy.

I have plenty of errands to run, not even really fun stuff. Im not even that bothered by the weather, yeah its freezing but it doesnt bother me too much.

So I read a new book every week and my down time just goes to that, Im barely online; there isn't anything to really do and its a waste of time.

I can't wait to have a closet in the new room its going to be so nice; Im looking forward to it. They really need to fix this heat though, its just not warm enough in here. Even with the body heat. My new roommate is cool. My job is going pretty well, except I hate the rushing part.

I wish the world would chill the fuck out. The entire world needs to take a drag of a joint. I mean this in just a general metaphoric way, people need to relax seriously.

The library is so nice, I stayed longer than I thought and I'm going back today and man it makes me feel so good. It's really satisfying, relaxing and its the only time no one bothers me; when I have the right to be alone and bask in that.

No one will call my cell phone, no one will rush me somewhere, no need to change into some random outfit, no need to hold my piss, no need to turn my brain on....etc

I'm not used to working with people, I'm not used to helping people; I'm not used to it NOT just being about me; what's the point of being self-reliant if you still have to work for and with people? I'm not totally against this notion, I just would like to know why. I'd also like to know why I don't have much patience and why my ego seems to put me in overdrive, why I'm passive when I need to be aggressive; and probably vice versa. Is it misplaced, displaced or repressed? Maybe I'm just not angry, I'm seriously very content. I can't act I'm really bad at being so insincere.

I'm a terrible liar. I'm so inappropriate and irreverent, he started figuring it out when he saw what my paternal blood was like. He's yet to meet the other part of my DNA which is much more who I am. If anyone ever met my mother you would know one thing, she made me literally, I owe every fiber of being to my mother. I dont look like her but that doesnt matter cause my personality isn't far off from hers. As I'm getting older I notice myself becoming more and more like them its so fucking weird.

I find myself having conversations about relationships with adults who are 10+ years than me, and its not me really saying anything. Also when I see other people and the shitty relationships they have, I appreciate mine just a little bit more. Cause in any sort of aspect I know its better than a lot of people's. But you know I really want to live alone, cause I miss being by myself I really do. I don't ever have enough alone time. Someone is always wanting my attention; it makes me want to run away for a few days and shut the phone off.

I need to make enough money to finance a small island for me to live on. I will make that idea that someone put in my head come true. I will make the ideas I put in my OWN head come true.

Insert witty comment.

Not Sincerely.

Rozzie. Rozz. Rozzalyn. MISTRESS ROZZALYN!