Tempest wants more tea

Saturday, April 22, 2006


Primaire, Faux Foi & Mon Jumeau Siamois
Current mood:Ennui, l'attente, Ne peut pas dormir

Un jour je laisserai ce secteur, cet endroit. Je supprimerai ce profil et peut-être pour disparaître et parler seulement aux gens d'importance. Peut-être vous penserez tous que je suis mort, peut-être je ne suis pas même vrai. J'ai considéré ces pensées assez longtemps. Je veux commencer plus de tellement mal, je veux lui faire le travail avec lui mais je sais qu'il pas probablement.

Je veux mes cartes de tarot lues, je sais que quelque chose se produira, aucun il pas . Je veux me déplacer à ces endroits, les endroits que je fantasme environ dans ma tête. Le style de vie fascinant que je devrais vivre. Célèbre parce que je suis fabuleux ! Chatte De Baise. Oui c'est vraiment une phrase, ceci est seulement une rant doux. Si seulement cette certaine personne pourrait me donner ce que j'implore. Je sais ce que je veux, mais vous ne pouvez pas me le donner. Argent, Succès, Renommée, Charme ; mon ami dit que j'ai 3 sur 4, l'argent a toujours été une issue. Je suis extraordinaire, elle pisse j'au loin à être ainsi underappreciated, elle se sent comme personne ne me connaîtront toujours vraiment, ou voit comment je suis à l'intérieur, que je trouve triste parce que je suis intérieur tellement bel. Si vous valiez la peine n'importe quoi peut-être je vous laisserais me voir.

FIN

Currently listening:
Faith
By The Cure
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Saturday, April 23, 2005


Héritez cette pièce, Héritez cette tristesse
Current mood:Masturbe-moi

Boudin Fille au physique « ingrat », aux formes trop arrondies pour son âge et fagotée comme l’as de pique. Qualificatif détourné de son sens initial qui désigne dans l’argot de la prostitution la fille qui prend le risque de « monter à l’œil » avec un client qui lui plaît. Je pense..... Boules de geishas Accessoire légendaire des courtisanes de haut rang du Japon classique, formé de deux boules creuses reliées entre elles par un fil et enfoncées dans le vagin. Un ingénieux systèmes de minuscules languettes de métal émet des sons délicats sous l’effet de leur malaxage par la musculature vaginale, d’où leur surnom de « boules musicales ».

http://www.sexologie-fr.com/dico/

http://www.recentlydeceased.com/main.html

http://www.indo.fr/

Currently listening:
Emilie Simon
By Emilie Simon
Release date: 10 February, 2003

hursday, April 28, 2005


Exquisite et seulement
Current mood:déçu et blessé

Garcon 629, had told la belle fille, he did not want to enjoy the comfort and affection she could provide. This made the belle fille, très triste. But what was she to do? What was she to do with herself, all very good questions that no one not even she knew the answers. Her siamese twin had made pleasant conversation that same nuit, as well as another interesting character that she had came across. The cards foretold it all, they mentioned nothing of this item, but had mentioned other good things to come. This girl would never dreamt of a vile emotion or even a glimpse of hope, or even yet; a glorified, fake-smiling of a tainted faith. To walk around with the façade of being content when all you want is someone to just rip out your heart and destroy it, because it doesnt mean anything. It is a grey spot that takes up space, that fucks with your mind, and you are powerless to control it. So this is where the story ends my dears, the belle fille was never to be heard from again. Some say she went into a quiet desolate area, others say she ran away and joined a circus no one knows for sure. Nothing other than the fact she was a tragic beauty, always beautiful and alone. FIN This makes it all better: bisous ma poupee
Currently reading:
The It-doesn't-matter Suit
By Sylvia Plath
Release date: 01 February, 1998

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


Refuted Demeanor
Current mood:Elated

Encore quelques jours A Singapour A rechercher l'amour Du haut d'un rverbre Je regarde la Terre Je n'y vois rien faire Je resterai rfugi A l'intrieur De mon bunker J'embrasserai mon futur J'ai encore un peu peur De l'extrieur Est-ce que tu viendrais faire Est-ce que tu viendrais faire Est-ce que tu viendrais faire Est-ce que tu voudras faire Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Est-ce que tu viendrais faire Est-ce que tu pourrais faire Est-ce que tu viendrais faire Est-ce que tu pourras faire Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Le sexe avec moi Est-ce que tu sauras faire Malgr tout ce qu'on m'a dit Je me sens bien ici Tout est interdit Encore quelques jours A Singapour A dpister l'amour I can't tell you how many times I have heard this song while being drunk off Saki. Good Times.
Currently listening:
Paradize
By Indochine
Release date: 12 March, 2002

Friday, May 06, 2005


5.6.05- The Nytemere 10:55am
Current mood:No mood at all

*Note* this is the nightmare I had from last night, any incites would be appreciated, or just an interesting read otherwise* Part 1: I lived in a haunted apartment at the address of 801, in New York. The spirit of the man who possessed the dwelling, his name was William. He was a rather eccentric Victorian gentleman, and he seemed to be into demonology. I was at times myself, a narrator, and at times a little girl. The walls in the bathroom would speak and also inscribe the demands that William wanted. These demands must be made in order for his soul to be freed. I do not quite understand why there needed to be a sacrifice of a child but it was part of his demands. The voice told the mother to give up the little boy. As soon as all the requirements were met his soul would be at rest. There was a fireplace, and it was unlit, but inside it was positioned a religious statue who spoke to the little boy. He said to the mother, that you cannot fool a child into this a reason was never given as to why the child was needed. Part2: All the tenants of the apartment went downstairs, where on both sides of the apartment building lie stairs leading to a haunted house; it was rather queer. The fence that enshrouded the house was completely black wrought iron. In this place, we the tenants experienced a few different ghosts that we had to kill in order to move through. The first spirit I believe was a female who looked very sweet and innocent. She was doing all sorts of perverse sexual acts; and then when she was done with them she would take out her claws that were long, sharp claws, (think Freddie Krueger but slightly smaller). She sliced in a sensual way, and the only way to defeat her was to repeatedly kick her in the crotch. There was a feeling of being in a live video game, where you had to trounce each ghost. We only vanquished two of them. The second spirit was faint as a whisper in the air and it was of a male gender. He spoke to me and told me that if I did not help free William’s soul, I would have no soul. Then he proceeded to show me what it was like to not have a soul. After this experience, the group was advanced to an average looking library; here we found clues to help us find the next ghost. I had been taking notes and writing a rough draft when an old English teacher of mine, started correcting my rough draft. The last aspersion was in the basement, and she lunged at me, screaming like a banshee. My partner had decided to check the room on the right. Where as I was in the left direction and therefore since I saw her she came near me. After all these events somehow the unit managed to escape an untimely fate; it was never explained how we left we just somehow did. Part3: I decide I am moving, leaving this dreadful dwelling, and I leave the apartment. The front view of it was as follows; there was 5 floors the apartment being on the very top window covered with black iron and centered more like on the roof, on the left and right sides all the windows up to the top floor the windows were all broken, and it looked as if the building was being restored or still in construction. I cross the street to the amusement park, and I was walking with a male companion whom I do not know. Well I decide to go to this abandoned tattoo parlor to sit, and in the window is this creepy Arabic guy who comes through the window. He repeatedly says Hell is Zero, and to show him Zero. He refused to leave me alone, he said I could not escape; I had to fulfill what William wanted and there was no way to leave. I fought with him and I bit him, and jokingly I said that it turned me on; which was odd and made it all the more real and surreal. I said Jesus!(as a figure of speech), and he said that there was no Jesus and he was not going to help me. I replied no, I was referring to my best friend Cryst. Again this fight was never finished, as everything else was not completed. Then I woke up.
Currently listening:
Unknown Pleasures
By Joy Division
Release date: 25 October, 1990


Saturday, May 14, 2005


Soot and Stars
Current mood:Crestfallen

I do not know what has come over me, I was talking to Cryst, and I didnt want to let him go I waited to the 3 am, I am so sad, I have had such a bad day it seems, all I can think about is my eternally loneliness. How the timing is always wrong, how it could have happened. I am not an obsessed fan, all I would want from Billy is a conversation and a hug. Such a beautiful person. I dont care how I sound at this moment. I took my medication like I am supposed to and yet I am still so miserable. I am utterly alone, there is no one here for me. I do not want pity, I do not want to feel this way. It just came over me. I am crying as I type this, I am sober. Why am I always so beautiful and alone? I am making myself vunerable here, I do not like this. But I should not care, if he can just let us read into his life so can I. It must be so hard to let everything out. I do not have a safety net, not that I ever have and thats part of my problem. I do things my own way and seldomly do they work. I am never going to be content. I will never be satisfied, I hate feeling like this, the one person I care about in the world can still be so cold to me, I dont want pity or sympathy, I would rather hate or just fucking ignore me.

This is so hard, words do not describe how I feel. I do not even know what I am writing anymore, this is the core of me that I never let anyone see, because its too precious. I do not get the appreciation I feel that I need. I do not have a lot, and still it seems like I always have to fight for what I have, and fight with myself. I just want peace in my life. I want to create beautiful things, with my aesthetics and be with someone who is as beautiful as I am. Not just in appearance, in intellect, and as a person. My ideal of love its in my head, and it sounds like a smashing pumpkins song. I honestly cannot help it. If I could you think I would shed one tear, no I would keep it inside. I dont want anyone to know that I am so fucking miserable you couldnt imagine. I am content in my misery, thats the only way I can live. It is all I know, its all I have ever known. I didnt think my heart could get stomped on this many times in such a short period of time, I wish I felt nothing completely. Who ever reads this please dont hit on me, pity me, or really say much. I dont want responses. I just felt like I needed to say this, because I am that upset. Why do I have to feel anything? Why am I feeling like this? I cant even tell him how I really feel anymore, hes right, I am going to leave again, I always leave again. Its not my fault I cant live in Florida (im on vacation) this place really makes you feel like you are decaying at an even more rapid pace. It kills you, I cant wait to go back to Boston, and leave this horrid place, I only miss my best friend and my dog. I hope we dont stop talking again, it was hard last time. I know he doesnt care about me the way he used to, and I dont care the same way, but I miss him so much, and I want is to be held and some affection. I never think I ask too much. How can my heart be broken so soon, so fucking soon. it was just the last week of april and then a week ago today was this boy. I am solitary and I suppose I will always be this way, I just completely give up on anything. I will be the fucking robot I need to be, my emotions always get in the way of my logic, which are nicely put into place by my k-pins.

Woe is me, god that sounds stereotypical. I am what I am, and I cannot help it. This infernal abyss is utterly making my soul writhe in anguish. Florida Made me Goth, I made that as a sticker today. Its fucking true, Florida is not the happy facade of a childrens carousel, its an inferno. I was so glad to be rid of it, and here I am visiting, I dont think I will visit again or at least for awhile. Why are we drawn to the things we hate the most? Why am I so tempted to.... well a lot of things that I cannot verbally express. The teardrops have ceased for the moment; as I hear that a friend of mine spoke of me in a kindly manner. No one understands this feeling, maybe they do but because I am alone no one does, I cant even tell my siamese twin how I feel, and I felt guilty for keeping him up, but he stayed up an extra 20 minutes because of me. I really cannot cope with losing such an important relationship to me, I just wish he would come over and hold me. I cannot recall feeling this way ever. I just dont want a panic attack, I cannot handle that again.

I do not want to be restrained, or locked up again. Its not in my head, my heart has to feel emotions and I have to be rational and deny these feelings of any sort. I despise supressing my anger but its something I also have to do. I hate myspace and I want to delete this account so badly. If there wasnt bands on it, that mean something to me, it would be. I really want to see Billy live, I was never old enough to go to the original Lollapaloozas, the one with Nine inch nails, or with Siouxsie, and surely not seeing the Pumpkins. So many things make me sad, that being one of them, so I cling to anything from the era, live my life like I would if I had been old enough. I know I am not expressing myself creatively enough, and it pains me. I am special not because anyone needs to tell me, and I dont need to prove it, I have earned all my self anything long ago. I feel 25, always felt older than I am. tears flow in and out... I know what I want, and I am disenchanted I do not have it. ... I choose an eternity of this... and this is true. I have to be me, I cannot see myself any other way. I wish someone older and wiser would give me such good advice, someone in their 30s-40s, who doesnt know me personally. I wish I had a clove to smoke. I am tired of being poor and in debt. Today says it all, its the song you need to hear when you are having a rough time. I really want to get those tickets to see Billy in concert that would be one of the best moments in my life. I have to end this thing before it begins or turns into something else. It never happened as far as I am concerned. Since Tonight, Tonight just started to play I have lighted my tone, and perhaps I will make that phone call. Not crying, but definitely need a cigg. I hope they call me back, because its vital.

Currently listening:
The Aeroplane Flies High
By The Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 17 January, 1997

Sunday, May 15, 2005


Vraiment
Current mood:Everything and nothing

I want love, I crave it, I want affection, its all i have ever wanted, I feel i have made a connection with my family at least, they all really speak to each other. I need my cell phone turned back on. Paint my nails. see the trival things that I expose, you cannot read this anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This makes me feel safe at least. I dont think I am going to be with someone. I think it is so funny that danny told me alex wanted to sleep with me so badly. Even when he has a gf now, he touched himself. These things make too much sense.
1. Evan- the way he always spoke, he did lead me on a little, but he did mention that situation with that girl and I should have known history repeats itself.

All the other guys I dont really give a shit about, glad this school year is over.

When I die I want to be that happy, I want to be happy before I die, I want to be beautiful even in death, i think i will die of a heroin overdose. Even though I am here to be social, I am still antisocial. I think this is my new favorite Stevie Nicks song- Rooms on Fire. I feel good things are going to happen to me now.
Currently listening:
Forever [Bonus Track]
By Cranes
Release date: 27 April, 1993


Sunday, June 05, 2005


Candy is Dandy; but Liquior is Quicker/ you make me scream. too much. just silently

Well Darlings, hmm this is just something to remind myself to do...

http://brewery.org/library/absfaq.html

Chartreuse is an herbal liqueur made by the Carthusian Monks near Grenoble, France. According to the tale, the formula for chartruese was invented by a 16th century alchemist as an attempt to create aqua vitae (the waters of life.) Aqua vitae was believed to restore youth to the aged, endow animation to the dead, and be a key ingredient in the creation of the philosophers stone. Though this attempt at its creation seems to fall somewhat short of the legendary effects, it was promoted as a heal-all tonic by the descendant of the alchemist, and was bequeathed to the Carthusian Order upon his death. This formula of 130 herbs has been secret for nearly 400 years. Today, only three brothers of that monestary know how to make chartreuse.

Charteuse is made in three varieties; yellow chartreuse, green chartreuse, and VEP elixir chartreuse. Yellow chartreuse is a pale golden color, extremely sweet, and tastes roughly like plum wine with a touch of honey, or perhaps a delicate version of Benedictine (which is probably related.) Green chartreuse is fiery; the shade of green actually named for this liquor denotes an intense herbal taste vaguely reminiscent of absinthe. Also like absinthe, it has an extremely high alcohol content. VEP elixir chartreuse, the rarest and most expensive kind, sacrifices a small amount of green's intensity for all of the sweetness of the yellow. Only 100 bottles of VEP elixir are produced each year, and it is the variant closest to the original alchemical formula. It is also, supposedly, the most difficult to create.

Though the precise herbs in chartreuse are not publically known, there is a small quantity of thujone, the active chemical in wormwood (and consequently, absinthe.) This considered, it is no surprise that the intoxication caused by chartruese is both stronger than it's alcohol content (110 proof) would otherwise indicate, and slightly different because of thujone's psychoactive qualities.

Green chartreuse is particularly loved in the goth scene because of it's efficiency; a very small quantity can maintain a buzz for most of an evening, and a larger quantity can take the sharp edges off of everything. For many, it is the poor man's absinthe; it has a smidgen of its psychotropic effects because of the thujone, and it has an herbal taste and a sharp kick reminiscent of absinthe experience. A few shots of green chartreuse, and you're completely wasted.

VEP chartreuse is loved for these reasons and more; its rarity, its remarkable taste, and its fascinating and mysterious lineage.

Yellow chartreuse is not as popular in the goth scene as its sister liquors; there is nothing particularly wrong with it, but the others outshine it in every way.

Nevertheless, the popularization of Chartreuse within the goth scene can be attributed to an additional source; Poppy Z. Brite. In her debut novel, Lost Souls, she mentions (Green) Chartreuse eight times within the prologue alone, and is the alcoholic drink of choice among the undead throughout the novel. Bela Lugosi's "I never drink... wine" be damned; the zing of Chartreuse seems potent enough to get a rise out of the dead and the living. Well, at least Poppy thinks so.

Red Deaths and Red Devils are very popular drinks at events held at The Bank and Pyramid. Jenn Bailey at Exedor is generally regarded as mixing the best Red Deaths (and variants) in New York City.

* 1/2 oz Vodka (Absolut preferred)
* 1/2 oz Triple Sec
* 1/2 oz Amaretto
* 1/2 oz Southern Comfort
* 1/2 oz Sloe Gin
* Fill with Orange Juice
* A splash of Sambuca, or chips of frozen Sambuca optional
* Slice of Lime optional
* Served on the rocks in a Collins Glass

Reading
—Key Authors
Artaud
Barker
Bataille
Ballard
Baudelaire
Bey
Breton
Brite
Burroughs
Byron
Crowley
DeSade
Umberto Eco
Ellison
Foucault
Gaiman
Goethe
Lautreamont
Lovecraft
Nietzsche
O'Barr
Poe
Rice
Shelley
Gibson
Wendell
Wilson
I think that is all for fucking now, fuck this shit hah I swear people suck so much ass, blah blah
n;alfm lsdmgdfl;gmdlfB

It seems my tarot cards are right, why is that hmm, oh well I dont even know what to do with myself these days. Does it really matter, I need to do what the fuck I want and not pay for it, fuck this bs, I am better than them all. yes I fucking am.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Je suis
Current mood: happy

RE: Ma Mere:

You are more than my friend. You are part of me. Love you..Bisous. ..Maman

RE: RE: RE: Ma Mere

Maybe it is sweet too...It is just the truth...And this is for life Greta and you will always be part of me, and i will always love you both.....Maman

Sunday, June 19, 2005


Far Away is Such a Lonely Place to Be
Current mood: pensive

I am trashed yet again, tomorrow I am working, yay! Hmm not too much else going on, besides my shaking, anxiety, etc, I just continue to listen to my favorite Cranes song, which is playing currently on my blog. I cannot wait to see Cranes live, it is going to change my life, perhaps my soulmate will be there, heh. Anyone who likes these sort of music seriously is deep and is worth knowing, anyone who can truely appreciate this, ehh which reminds me of someone who did, fuckass heh. My grey muscle seems to be recovering and no I do not mean my mind, my mind and my heart are always in a battle that I cannot seem to win either way.

This is such an exquisite display, I cannot stand how great it makes me feel, and I quit smoking, I cannot wait to come home and have a smoke. I haven't smoked in about a week, among other things, I am becoming increasingly manic, because I havent been taking my medication regularly since I have replaced it with vodka. Yes I know self-medicating heh, no its not that, I decided I needed another challenge. No I was just making a funny, I dont really want to not be medicated, and this day what a waste honestly, at least my heart seems to have settled down a little and not beating as fast, and I think I can almost relax. I think I really need to snort my medication just to be fucking relaxed, I have my Earl Grey and it made me slightly calmer but hasnt quite done the trick. I realize how I sound in these rants, the french takes over me sometimes, and things begin to blur and not make sense. I have always wanted to videotape a day in my life, and several people have told me I should have a movie made about me. Yes there should be, a low-budget independent film about moi.

Overall it doesn't suck to be me, its just difficult, but in the end it always seems to work and I don't know why, it just does. Perhaps, this is just how things work, I have accepted this as such, to be beautiful is to suffer is a french saying, and its very true. I have been listening to this song on repeat, its absolutely my favorite song, and it defines me eternally and internally. Full Lyrics to the song.

(interpretation) do you know
do you know
you make me dream too much
make me dream too much
and when i think of you
and when i think of

pulled up?

do you know
do you know
you make me scream too much
just silently
it's only too much
far away is such a lonely place to be
just, just be here with me
just be here with me

Such great lyrics, this is the core of me and its basically what I think of a lot, along with other songs but this song says so much so briefly, I was enthralled when I finally had it as a song, because before I only had it as a secret song on a cd I have. This makes me all warm inside, along with other thoughts I have.

As I sit around in new york, in my mom's friend's daughters room, I stare at her Julliard certificate and wonder if I am going to live here or not. I have a feeling I will, it seems like I somewhat belong here, and the resources etc, but there is one thing I keep thinking about. Well several things I keep thinking about. I will know by December what I am doing and where I am going, so at least I dont have to freak out now about it. But I am freaking out about what the hell am I going to do for 2 months before school starts again. I signed up for this mobile marketing thing, I hope that happens, I want to be home, I miss it a lot.

I feel disconnected, disenchanted, lost, among other things, and then I know what will happen and its a cycle that never ends, its an endless carousel ride, thus is my life. I hate being social actually, all I want to do is sit in my room all day and not really speak to anyone which is primarily is what I do, except there are certain things that bother me, and I end up aging much sooner than I need to. I've noticed people in general do not look their age, its incredible.

That is all for now, I am somewhat complacent and cannot complain, and its pointless to stop it all, because its unstoppable, and inevitable. I thought about something I had previously thought. How horrible it would be to daily think of a certain topic, and after awhile on that thought, I became what I really didnt want to with those thoughts. This is a horrid thing, it truly is.

A demain, A bientot, Au Revoir

-Moi-

Currently listening:
Forever [Bonus Track]
By Cranes
Release date: 09 December, 2003

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


*Toile d'araignée de mon coeur*
Current mood:Nothing

Despite my tarot cards, the inital encounter did not come up the same, but thats okay because things are becoming less ironic, and making much more sense.

I am a Sagittarius with an Aquarius Rising Sign.

That is all for now. nothing terribly important for now.

Friday, July 08, 2005


Bisous Ma Poupee
Current mood:None

I am brutually honest and extremely authentic.
I am cynical, apathetic, cold, neurotic, paranoid, anti-social, quirky, eccentric, narcissistic, and an elitist (you get the idea).
I contemplate frequently, I'm logical with my thinking but, not as logical about my demeanor.



Currently listening:
604
By Ladytron
Release date: 20 July, 2004