July 23, 2006

I just want to go back to the way it was, having my
place, hanging out etc; not this work boring bullshit. Also my aunt
wants me to stop staying at her place which is fine cause I never
wanted to be there in the first place. I actually like my job, but I
want to go to school really badly. I don't have a lot of alone time, I
barely call people, I barely have anything to say.

Honestly this is how it is: I have a lot of pent up emotions about so
many things, demons are coming out of nowhere and presenting
themselves for me to deal with. I don't know how to feel about
anything, it just gives me a headache. But I can't ignore it because
its making me anxious. The lamest thing is I bet if I did something
simple it would be solved. I guess I have to deal with things as they
happen. I foresee problems, I do take things as they come to me. No
matter what I want from a situation I still see things as they are. I
do my very best to not let my emotions cloud my judgment. There are so
many things that I'm capable of doing and its scary to think of them.

Venting... no response is really needed
I miss a lot of things, especially affection.

Since I've been here I've felt things I havent felt in so long, like
loss... so much loss, rejection, this neverending void; this is what
happens when I get like this. This reminds me of this (state of mind)
I was in once. It happened when I was celibate. It's all around
painful to do that again. I just feel so dead, like my body is dead
and someone deep inside of me is this voice that has just a little
vigor left. Actually this is what
the meds do to me except I dont have to deal with all these stressful
thoughts. All of this could be a direct result of the intaking and the
indulgence.

end rant

I just wonder why I can't ever settle down, commit or anything of the sort.