Commitphobia

HOW TO SPOT A COMMITMENT PHOBIC BEFORE HE BREAKS YOUR HEART!

MEN IN EMOTIONAL CONFLICT - By Jane Roder

Due to negative experiences and beliefs (or sometimes a personality disorder), both sexes can suffer from commitment phobia, but more and more men seem to be suffering from this problem (or challenge).

Let's look at some typical behaviours commitment phobic men display in relationships.

Men with commitment issues are tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships. In relationships they create great confusion, havoc, pain and anguish as their behaviours are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre.

These types of men create can make women who are saints turn into mad women, as they play games with their minds and their hearts.

I am writing this article from my own personal experience, my knowldege, and from interviews and research conducted by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. The interviews were conducted with over hundred men who can’t commit, and the women who have been involved with them. (Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).


Commitment phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:

They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
Commitment phobic men often will say they want a relationship, but they won't say they want a "no strings attached" relationship.
Their behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
They prefer not to include the woman in their weekend or holiday plans.
When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.
They are often unfaithful in relationships.
They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
They may create distance by having affairs, mentioning another woman’s name etc.
Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative damaged belief system about love and relationships.
They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.

How to handle a commitment phobic

Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.
If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware
If you get involved before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.
Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
Don’t find excuses for his behaviour.
Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviours.
Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.
If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results
If you are in pain from a comittment phobic relationship you also may need some coaching to move you forward.

" For your life to change you must change" - Jim Rohn

What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?

He has to admit he has a problem.
He has to take responsibility for his behaviours toward women – that he leads them on and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
He has to want to change.
He has to be prepared to seek help.
He has to look deep within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.
He will require coaching or cognitive behavioural therapy to change his negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.
He needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and behaviours.
He must develop his emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).
If he doesn’t want to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship, that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.

Buddhism & Dishonesty

Q:How does one react to Infidelity aka Dishonesty in a relationship?

A Gut reaction is to not personalize it, as I believe it to be a reflection on the character of the person who was dishonest as well as a mirror to reflect their own insecurities.

A:There is a difference between the Buddhist practice of dispassion, liberation, and realization that there is no "self"; AND not making wise decisions for what is best and wise in your life.

If someone is cheating on you, you must decide not "why are they cheating?" but "what is best for me if he is?" Do you feel that this infidelity is something that creates an atmosphere that puts you at risk for your health? Is it your decision that this person's infidelity creates a dynamic to your relationship that you are not comfortable with?

And look at yourself. Are you even considering not leaving him because you are clinging to him? Do you feel that you know the real him or the idealize idea of what you wish he was? Do you accept the impermanent nature of all things (including relationships, people and personalities)? Do you fear letting go and being alone?

If you are the person cheating, do you feel that you are creating conditions that are wholesome? Do you feel the moments of joy are worth the energy of deceit and the suffering of keeping up the lie? Do you have compassion for your partner and their feelings? Do you find that your suffering can be answered by sexual adventures?

These are only some questions to investigate. The only answers are yours and your decisions. Be with the breath, and spend time investigating your own experiences, habits and being.

Namo Buddhaya

Ego and its Importance or lack there of

As inspired by the current chapter I'm reading

What is ego? It is the essence of identity, it seeks to separate an individual. Neither bad nor good but too much leaves an individual unholy dissatisfied due to an overwhelming, constant false need for validation through others. To fill an invisible void that has appeared from one's own mind.

....

my head just wants to explode thats all really thats what I meant by the train comment, I actually meant what I said, I didn't mean to say it out loud I think though. I realized again after talking to this old coworker of mine who has a way more fucked up life than me that seriously my problems are nothing in comparison to hers in which almost every conceivable horrible thing you could have happen to you as a woman happened to her. She talks to my mom a lot and so then she is like oh you're so similar etc etc and it made me realize how my mother was always very cold with me and I don't think I ever learned how to express anything to anyone properly. And then I think of where she is in her life and I just feel bad for her. My coworker was saying she was so hard on me because she wanted me to be stronger than she was, but I don't even know what she is talking about because my mother is a cold hearted bitch when she wants to be and could be the sweetest pie too. But then when Im cold towards her she is all affectionate with me. She thinks that when im sweet with her I want something and thats not the case, I like being affectionate, its just always been hard to be.

I'm not blaming anyone for anything its just something that was brought up.

Candlebright

For no special reason
I am leaving you for awhile tonight
I'm flying far above you
Still I love you
You make things right

[Chorus:]
I've been with you before
I'll be with you again
I'll come back for more, yea
The story has a strange ending

Well, you know me I'm a nomad
I can't feel bad
About the way I am
I've been rolling around
My whole life
You're my candlebright in the window

[Chorus:]
You guide me back again
And I come when you shine
You are not my friend, no
But I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer

[Repeat verse and Chorus]

Still I love you
My candlebright
You are not my friend
But still I love you
You're my candlebright
Still I love you
But you are not my friend
But still I love you
I can't feel bad

Happiness Abound!

***15 YEARS AGO (1994)***
1) How old were you? 8
2) Who were you dating? No one
3) Where did you work? no where
4) Where did u live? Kissimmee, FL
5) Where did you hang out? After school @ Cypress, friends houses
6) Did you wear contacts or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? Christina and then Amy
8) How many tattoos did you have? none
9) How many piercings did you have? 2 in my lobes
10) What kind of car did you drive? none
11) Had you been to a real party? sleep overs
12) Had you had your heart broken? actually a little, I had some crushes
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? single lol I think there were crushes though
14) Any Kids? nope

***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 13
2) Who were you dating? I had dated a few people
3) Where did you work? No where
4) Where did you live? Kissimmee then moved to Los Angeles
5) Where did you hang out? Donut Time after school with Pily and a bunch of other kids
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? in Fl I chilled with Sara Blount, Kristie Chism and a whole crew of peeps who wore black and were horribly depressed; in CA I hung out with Lucy, Masako, Erik etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? none yet
9) How many piercings did you have? prolly about 3-4
10) What car did you drive? I didn't get my license til I was 22
11) Had your heart broken? oh yeah plenty
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Went through several relationships, but more like secret obsessions i.e. Sorta like Claire Danes with Jordan Catalano...
13) Any Kids? nope


****5 YEARS AGO (2004)****
1) How old were you? 19
2) Who were you dating? I was but nothing serious and I didn't want to be tied down to anyone
3) Where did you work? Library @ school
4) Where did you live? Boston
5) Where did you hang out? Middle East, T.T.s, Manray, Club Fuxxx, Great Scotts, Pan 9
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? hmm prolly
7) Who were your best friends? Leah, Eviil, Gabbie, Jack, Lauren, etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? didn't get my first one until 20
9) How many piercings did you have? I think about 10, still had tongue, lobes, navel, septum, lower.... um yeah 10 sounds right
10) What car did you drive? I took the T
11) Had your heart broken? there was someone who I met who was like everything I ever wanted in a person and it didn't work and then the thing with my best friend was devastating
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? On and off dating, but nothing serious
13) Any Kids? nope

****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 23
2) Where do you work? in Union Square
3) Where do you live? Manhattan
4)Who are you dating? wouldn't you love to know?
5) Who are your closest friends? Too many to name seriously but here are a few from the list
IN FL: Christina, Amy, Van in CA Lucy, Audrey in MA Leah, Eviil, Jack and many others
in IL: Chelsey, Allison, Simone
6) Do you talk to your old friends? Definitely my friends are like Family
7) How many piercings do you have? same
8) How many tattoos? 2
9) What kind of car do you have? I had a Nail Polish Red 2008 Toyota Yaris but when I left FL I had to give it back
10) Had your heart been broken? you know not this year, but the last 2 years damn, but the one in
May 07 was worse than Aug 08
11) How many kids? NONE, dont wanna them
12) Are you Single? sure

Some things change...some just don't. All for the better if you ask me!
I took the time to do this...you had better too!

Best Friend replacement FOUND me thinks

I went out last night to meet my friend for his birthday and ended up drinking a bit too much and losing my phone.

I ended up passing out at a strangers place and then waking up in the morning in willy b. I really lost my phone :( this is the first time I've ever lost it. I know its because I didnt have a pocket cause if I did it would have been in my pocket. Or if I had a zipper compartment in my purse. This girl complimented my purse last night which I found weird because I dont think its anything special.

So then I take the L back to the place I've been staying and get into the building through a neighbor but my friends didnt answer the door so I was left to venture to kill time before work. I bought a PENTA water and began being my jovial self. I was waiting for MetroPCS to open and stopped into Net Cafe and struck up a conversation with the girl behind the counter and I see best friend potential here as we have a lot in common and she actually has my old gay best friend's birthday so its entirely possible! heh

I've noticed that the greatest love of my life had brown eyes, maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't.


Anyway I ended up surfing the net and not getting a phone and just walking to work since I was close and wouldnt have time to buy a new phone.

Gotta get back to work and do an interview....