Oh yes!
A party too far away!
I'm working on so many projects its delicious!
YAY ME
mercredi 17 mars 2010
samedi 30 janvier 2010
mardi 12 janvier 2010
True Love for my Alter Ego 9/22/08
hellozz bitch0skanky tee skank :)
How are you doing? oh my fucking god, you NEVER talk to me Noir-a
I havent spelt your name like that in a long time.
So I've been designing clothes from reconstructed garments and im doing my first fashion show in November!
will post a note about it on facebook asap
How are you doing? oh my fucking god, you NEVER talk to me Noir-a
I havent spelt your name like that in a long time.
So I've been designing clothes from reconstructed garments and im doing my first fashion show in November!
will post a note about it on facebook asap
Email to Ma Tante 1/15/08
My car is shiny and pretty and red of course I passed the test on the first try.
It's a Brand New 2008 Toyota Yaris, the best fuel efficient car.
I haven't been to California since I left about a year ago. I was in Pittsburgh, went to visit mom in fl, went to Boston and then left and came back to fl.
I've been here in Florida since 11-28. apparently a few of my friends are supposed to come visit me soon which will be a lot of fun. I'm constantly flooded with friends asking me to visit ______ (fill in blank of pretty much any city) and see them. Too bad I can't clone myself :) cause I can't be everywhere at once, if only that were possible I would get so much more living done in such a short time. I guess its a good thing you can't do everything at once.
My phone number is still the same
I work at B & N Full time but I am interviewing for a Library Assistant Position on Thursday for Valencia. I'm taking classes from Valencia online and I'm paying Florida resident rates so its cheap. It would be great to get this position because it pays more and then I would get reduced tuition for classes as well, besides its closer to what I want to do. I have enough experience, I've now worked in 2 bookstores (one independent and one chain) and 2 different libraries. Eventually I will get an Master of Library Science and be able to just be a regular librarian, yes you have to go to grad school to be a librarian. I want to keep my job at B&N because I got a nice discount on my textbooks.
Did Jonathan go to Hawaii yet? wow they are all getting so big. Soon enough they will be out of the house, makes me feel old hah. Its going to be weird when they get jobs and become mini-adults. People still think I look 18 until they speak to me and then they think I'm like 25+. You know I barely answer my cell phone anymore, I respond more quickly to text messages, but its nice to be around my good friends here. Although I will have to admit I don't really go out all too much, cause its pretty boring here but I didn't come back to have fun, I came back to finish what I started with school etc. I've had a lot of fun doing all the other things I did and pretty much everything that I wanted. I have no doubt that I can leave again if need be. I seem to naturally be really good at leaving a place.
Grosse Bisous,
Miss Truddie :)
It's a Brand New 2008 Toyota Yaris, the best fuel efficient car.
I haven't been to California since I left about a year ago. I was in Pittsburgh, went to visit mom in fl, went to Boston and then left and came back to fl.
I've been here in Florida since 11-28. apparently a few of my friends are supposed to come visit me soon which will be a lot of fun. I'm constantly flooded with friends asking me to visit ______ (fill in blank of pretty much any city) and see them. Too bad I can't clone myself :) cause I can't be everywhere at once, if only that were possible I would get so much more living done in such a short time. I guess its a good thing you can't do everything at once.
My phone number is still the same
I work at B & N Full time but I am interviewing for a Library Assistant Position on Thursday for Valencia. I'm taking classes from Valencia online and I'm paying Florida resident rates so its cheap. It would be great to get this position because it pays more and then I would get reduced tuition for classes as well, besides its closer to what I want to do. I have enough experience, I've now worked in 2 bookstores (one independent and one chain) and 2 different libraries. Eventually I will get an Master of Library Science and be able to just be a regular librarian, yes you have to go to grad school to be a librarian. I want to keep my job at B&N because I got a nice discount on my textbooks.
Did Jonathan go to Hawaii yet? wow they are all getting so big. Soon enough they will be out of the house, makes me feel old hah. Its going to be weird when they get jobs and become mini-adults. People still think I look 18 until they speak to me and then they think I'm like 25+. You know I barely answer my cell phone anymore, I respond more quickly to text messages, but its nice to be around my good friends here. Although I will have to admit I don't really go out all too much, cause its pretty boring here but I didn't come back to have fun, I came back to finish what I started with school etc. I've had a lot of fun doing all the other things I did and pretty much everything that I wanted. I have no doubt that I can leave again if need be. I seem to naturally be really good at leaving a place.
Grosse Bisous,
Miss Truddie :)
NYC connection 6/3/2007
It has been forever, what are the projects you are into now?
Since leaving Florida 3 years ago, I've lived in Boston (2 years), Los Angeles (3 months) Toronto (2 months) and moved to Chicago in December (6 months and counting).
After leaving LA I flew back to Boston and got together with my significant other and we drove around and decided to live in Toronto. I had my 21st bday there. We got bored moved to Chicago and we have been together since then, still living in the same room; even though last month we broke up. I'm moving out this weekend.into my new place :)
Jobs: Secretary in LA, nothing in TO and Pro-Domme in Chicago and now I work in a bookstore here.
I went to school in Boston for Criminal Justice and I plan on going back to school soon but for art.
I have a blogspot you can check out; I do need to update it though. but I usually keep it updated weekly.
http://disconnection101.blogspot.com/
Huggles
Truddie
Since leaving Florida 3 years ago, I've lived in Boston (2 years), Los Angeles (3 months) Toronto (2 months) and moved to Chicago in December (6 months and counting).
After leaving LA I flew back to Boston and got together with my significant other and we drove around and decided to live in Toronto. I had my 21st bday there. We got bored moved to Chicago and we have been together since then, still living in the same room; even though last month we broke up. I'm moving out this weekend.into my new place :)
Jobs: Secretary in LA, nothing in TO and Pro-Domme in Chicago and now I work in a bookstore here.
I went to school in Boston for Criminal Justice and I plan on going back to school soon but for art.
I have a blogspot you can check out; I do need to update it though. but I usually keep it updated weekly.
http://disconnection101.blogspot.com/
Huggles
Truddie
A letter home 2/24/07
An email to Jack
I quit my job but in other news, I started another blog. Also read this article its great. I'm glad someone wrote this.
http://www.blueblood.net/2007/02/amy-lee-vapor-evanescence-hoax/
So its getting warmer here and its not so bad.
I'm glad I stole a bunch of shit before I left. I should have taken another pair of shoes, I took a strap-on, on accident but I guess I'll keep it as a souvenir, but also I have dungeon furniture because they are cleaning it out anyway. One of the mistresses who had been there since the beginning was fired a week ago and that made me think, I just decided I hated doing this and it was time for a new career, believe it or not it got boring.
So I'm trying to find other ways to entertain myself, I miss being in Boston and the fun I used to have and at some point I need to go back to school. Oh his parents are visiting yet again next weekend, his mom thinks I hate her or something. Its not that, but she asked about my life and I told her because she asked and I'm fine with it, and so disconnected, I am not a product of my adolescence. But being she is a neurotic Jewish mother, she thinks I never dealt with my problems or something. I tried to explain to her that I am able to admit my upbringing wasn't fucking roses and not be completely fucked up as a person.
Basically I felt this job was the equivalent to a psychic vampire because it sucks energy out of me and I had nothing to replace it, it didn't make me feel satisfied as a person and it didn't even make me enough money for it to be worth it. Also it took away from the other creative endeavors I want to explore because it took all my time up. This job gave me a false sense of closeness with my coworkers who most of them would never talk to you outside of work, except maybe two and I hope I run into them cause they are genuine people. The one I want to see is the one who asked me how I was when she saw me and said she hoped I felt better. She wasn't acting that it was real.
I"m also reading through your blogs, looking for tidbits of memories of myself as well as just reading them.
I'm on the bedtime story, I think I need to make my own movie; seeing as I don't care about making money, even with the job I had. It made me see how far people would do for money and it was just sad and I could never be like that. I wonder if I'm a prude or something but I realize no, I just have self-respect ten-fold.
I think I'm going to start a scrapbooking business.
I quit my job but in other news, I started another blog. Also read this article its great. I'm glad someone wrote this.
http://www.blueblood.net/2007/02/amy-lee-vapor-evanescence-hoax/
So its getting warmer here and its not so bad.
I'm glad I stole a bunch of shit before I left. I should have taken another pair of shoes, I took a strap-on, on accident but I guess I'll keep it as a souvenir, but also I have dungeon furniture because they are cleaning it out anyway. One of the mistresses who had been there since the beginning was fired a week ago and that made me think, I just decided I hated doing this and it was time for a new career, believe it or not it got boring.
So I'm trying to find other ways to entertain myself, I miss being in Boston and the fun I used to have and at some point I need to go back to school. Oh his parents are visiting yet again next weekend, his mom thinks I hate her or something. Its not that, but she asked about my life and I told her because she asked and I'm fine with it, and so disconnected, I am not a product of my adolescence. But being she is a neurotic Jewish mother, she thinks I never dealt with my problems or something. I tried to explain to her that I am able to admit my upbringing wasn't fucking roses and not be completely fucked up as a person.
Basically I felt this job was the equivalent to a psychic vampire because it sucks energy out of me and I had nothing to replace it, it didn't make me feel satisfied as a person and it didn't even make me enough money for it to be worth it. Also it took away from the other creative endeavors I want to explore because it took all my time up. This job gave me a false sense of closeness with my coworkers who most of them would never talk to you outside of work, except maybe two and I hope I run into them cause they are genuine people. The one I want to see is the one who asked me how I was when she saw me and said she hoped I felt better. She wasn't acting that it was real.
I"m also reading through your blogs, looking for tidbits of memories of myself as well as just reading them.
I'm on the bedtime story, I think I need to make my own movie; seeing as I don't care about making money, even with the job I had. It made me see how far people would do for money and it was just sad and I could never be like that. I wonder if I'm a prude or something but I realize no, I just have self-respect ten-fold.
I think I'm going to start a scrapbooking business.
Abbreviations 8/24/2006
Email to Dave
well I can't risk everything I've been building had you asked when I didn't have a job and barely a place to stay I would have said yes right away.
Plus the week you want to leave just happens to be the most important time for my uncle he is opening a new store and my dad has made it an all or nothing thing. He says if I leave most likely I wont have a job when I get back. I like having money to be able to do things with.
I want to be able to do all the things I want.
My aunt wants to meet you cause I told her before that you were coming here, she doesn't want me to leave.
After I pay for my classes etc
So maybe you should just drive over here. That way you can go through the country etc and figure out some things. By the time you get here I will have things in order.
I know all I need is to be social and I would probably be fine.
I don't know exactly what you want but I have things to do I can't just leave things, normally I would but I have to be responsible. I came here for a change and I have to follow through with it. Compromising myself isn't easy believe me.
Tell me what you think
+T
well I can't risk everything I've been building had you asked when I didn't have a job and barely a place to stay I would have said yes right away.
Plus the week you want to leave just happens to be the most important time for my uncle he is opening a new store and my dad has made it an all or nothing thing. He says if I leave most likely I wont have a job when I get back. I like having money to be able to do things with.
I want to be able to do all the things I want.
My aunt wants to meet you cause I told her before that you were coming here, she doesn't want me to leave.
After I pay for my classes etc
So maybe you should just drive over here. That way you can go through the country etc and figure out some things. By the time you get here I will have things in order.
I know all I need is to be social and I would probably be fine.
I don't know exactly what you want but I have things to do I can't just leave things, normally I would but I have to be responsible. I came here for a change and I have to follow through with it. Compromising myself isn't easy believe me.
Tell me what you think
+T
Anne, Neely and Jennifer 11/13/2006
8:58 PM - Anne, Neely and Jennifer
This works better than I thought it ever could. Today I bleed which of course makes both of us happy. I'm still in denial if I feel something, but doing this is just really easy and it doesn't bother me, that's why I stay. Fuck isn't that why I always stay. There is never any reason, other than. Well it's just hard to find these things and well I keep wanting to find something else, but why just because I can't feel trapped. I can't any sense of security, but they know it also. I'm not hard to read in any way, despite I'm not overly emotional, anyone with half a brain can tell what goes on, maybe that something is even going on.
So many choices, why should I choose, I can do any number of things. I'm barely ever stressed; I'm just in this really good place. I wish I could really describe it but I've been blank lately and overly affectionate.
Blanket
To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.
So we found these lights, and golden pieces of fabric from the Queen Street trash which never fails to have really cool trash. Someone made an electric chair from it.
I hand washed all my pantyhose and a few baby doll shirts.
He and I did 2 months worth of laundry because it really needed to be done.
We have been going out and staying out later which is great because we were both going insane from staying inside all the time.
Last night he stole this Ruby Gloom Poster for me, you can only get it here in Canada , because she now has her own show on YTV in Canada.
http://www.ytv.com/programming/shows/rubygloom/
It makes me happy!
We went to the Queens head and had some cheap shots; I can't drink so much due to my meds they have a bad reaction so I only had a shot of Jagermeister and 2 Ice Teas. Last night we went to the Blue Moon to drink and we both had a shot of Tequila with a lemon and salt. I just remembered how I had that Margarita Mix with Tequila and it was pretty good. The street booze I had found during September 1 st during moving out/moving in day in Boston.
So my birthday is coming up and I told him what I wanted and what I want is actually cheaper than what he wanted to get me, he wanted to get me acupuncture session because I always have fucking back problems, because this bed we sleep in is so shitty and it makes a lot of noise. But seriously the coils stick in our sides and I can't even sleep on this side, so I sleep better on the other side, but either way this bed sucks.
Two books I just got The Frugal Traveler and Valley of the Dolls. The latter I'm half way through its really good.
We went to the Regent Park Film Festival; last night. It was free, it was held at a Public Middle School. I really love short films and of course independent stuff.
Love, Sex, and Ohhh….! Canada Run Time 89 Minutes
Co-presented by the Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival.
Films I liked:
INNOCENT: Cliff Kafai Mok/2004/Canada/6 minutes
This powerful animation film shows how love turns to hate under the influence of religious guilt.
It's animated and cute and funny and then it's really deep and disturbing.
FUTURE NATION: Kent Monkman/Canada/2006/10 Minutes
When a gay native teenager is outed to his older sister and homophobic brother back on the reservation- it's the end of the world-Literally.
It just has a cool plot, there are some things that don't make sense but the entire thing is really cute.
CAN YOU LOVE ME ?: Adam Garnet Jones and Sarah Kolasky/Canada/2005/10 Minutes. How far can the pursuit of love take you? This painfully intimate documentary about a Toronto artist's disturbing project is also an animation, an experiment with formal techniques and an examination of one woman's art and sexual politics.
I really liked this one because it was so honest, and it wasn't that disturbing it was really funny. An art student puts her picture on a flyer that reads; can you love me? With her phone number. So this guy Jordan
For my birthday he will buy me absinthe and we are probably going to the Mr. Leatherman Toronto, and take this S/M Seminar on Electric Play.
I was working on being a dominatrix and a foot model but we are leaving too soon for me to get much work. I will still do it and I think I may have a photo shoot coming up soon.
I'm making a scrapbook of our things from here. And I'm making a new outfit.
I just finished reading, Valley of the Dolls, so good.
This works better than I thought it ever could. Today I bleed which of course makes both of us happy. I'm still in denial if I feel something, but doing this is just really easy and it doesn't bother me, that's why I stay. Fuck isn't that why I always stay. There is never any reason, other than. Well it's just hard to find these things and well I keep wanting to find something else, but why just because I can't feel trapped. I can't any sense of security, but they know it also. I'm not hard to read in any way, despite I'm not overly emotional, anyone with half a brain can tell what goes on, maybe that something is even going on.
So many choices, why should I choose, I can do any number of things. I'm barely ever stressed; I'm just in this really good place. I wish I could really describe it but I've been blank lately and overly affectionate.
Blanket
To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.
So we found these lights, and golden pieces of fabric from the Queen Street trash which never fails to have really cool trash. Someone made an electric chair from it.
I hand washed all my pantyhose and a few baby doll shirts.
He and I did 2 months worth of laundry because it really needed to be done.
We have been going out and staying out later which is great because we were both going insane from staying inside all the time.
Last night he stole this Ruby Gloom Poster for me, you can only get it here in Canada , because she now has her own show on YTV in Canada.
http://www.ytv.com/programming/shows/rubygloom/
It makes me happy!
We went to the Queens head and had some cheap shots; I can't drink so much due to my meds they have a bad reaction so I only had a shot of Jagermeister and 2 Ice Teas. Last night we went to the Blue Moon to drink and we both had a shot of Tequila with a lemon and salt. I just remembered how I had that Margarita Mix with Tequila and it was pretty good. The street booze I had found during September 1 st during moving out/moving in day in Boston.
So my birthday is coming up and I told him what I wanted and what I want is actually cheaper than what he wanted to get me, he wanted to get me acupuncture session because I always have fucking back problems, because this bed we sleep in is so shitty and it makes a lot of noise. But seriously the coils stick in our sides and I can't even sleep on this side, so I sleep better on the other side, but either way this bed sucks.
Two books I just got The Frugal Traveler and Valley of the Dolls. The latter I'm half way through its really good.
We went to the Regent Park Film Festival; last night. It was free, it was held at a Public Middle School. I really love short films and of course independent stuff.
Love, Sex, and Ohhh….! Canada Run Time 89 Minutes
Co-presented by the Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival.
Films I liked:
INNOCENT: Cliff Kafai Mok/2004/Canada/6 minutes
This powerful animation film shows how love turns to hate under the influence of religious guilt.
It's animated and cute and funny and then it's really deep and disturbing.
FUTURE NATION: Kent Monkman/Canada/2006/10 Minutes
When a gay native teenager is outed to his older sister and homophobic brother back on the reservation- it's the end of the world-Literally.
It just has a cool plot, there are some things that don't make sense but the entire thing is really cute.
CAN YOU LOVE ME ?: Adam Garnet Jones and Sarah Kolasky/Canada/2005/10 Minutes. How far can the pursuit of love take you? This painfully intimate documentary about a Toronto artist's disturbing project is also an animation, an experiment with formal techniques and an examination of one woman's art and sexual politics.
I really liked this one because it was so honest, and it wasn't that disturbing it was really funny. An art student puts her picture on a flyer that reads; can you love me? With her phone number. So this guy Jordan
For my birthday he will buy me absinthe and we are probably going to the Mr. Leatherman Toronto, and take this S/M Seminar on Electric Play.
I was working on being a dominatrix and a foot model but we are leaving too soon for me to get much work. I will still do it and I think I may have a photo shoot coming up soon.
I'm making a scrapbook of our things from here. And I'm making a new outfit.
I just finished reading, Valley of the Dolls, so good.
July 23, 2006
I just want to go back to the way it was, having my
place, hanging out etc; not this work boring bullshit. Also my aunt
wants me to stop staying at her place which is fine cause I never
wanted to be there in the first place. I actually like my job, but I
want to go to school really badly. I don't have a lot of alone time, I
barely call people, I barely have anything to say.
Honestly this is how it is: I have a lot of pent up emotions about so
many things, demons are coming out of nowhere and presenting
themselves for me to deal with. I don't know how to feel about
anything, it just gives me a headache. But I can't ignore it because
its making me anxious. The lamest thing is I bet if I did something
simple it would be solved. I guess I have to deal with things as they
happen. I foresee problems, I do take things as they come to me. No
matter what I want from a situation I still see things as they are. I
do my very best to not let my emotions cloud my judgment. There are so
many things that I'm capable of doing and its scary to think of them.
Venting... no response is really needed
I miss a lot of things, especially affection.
Since I've been here I've felt things I havent felt in so long, like
loss... so much loss, rejection, this neverending void; this is what
happens when I get like this. This reminds me of this (state of mind)
I was in once. It happened when I was celibate. It's all around
painful to do that again. I just feel so dead, like my body is dead
and someone deep inside of me is this voice that has just a little
vigor left. Actually this is what
the meds do to me except I dont have to deal with all these stressful
thoughts. All of this could be a direct result of the intaking and the
indulgence.
end rant
I just wonder why I can't ever settle down, commit or anything of the sort.
place, hanging out etc; not this work boring bullshit. Also my aunt
wants me to stop staying at her place which is fine cause I never
wanted to be there in the first place. I actually like my job, but I
want to go to school really badly. I don't have a lot of alone time, I
barely call people, I barely have anything to say.
Honestly this is how it is: I have a lot of pent up emotions about so
many things, demons are coming out of nowhere and presenting
themselves for me to deal with. I don't know how to feel about
anything, it just gives me a headache. But I can't ignore it because
its making me anxious. The lamest thing is I bet if I did something
simple it would be solved. I guess I have to deal with things as they
happen. I foresee problems, I do take things as they come to me. No
matter what I want from a situation I still see things as they are. I
do my very best to not let my emotions cloud my judgment. There are so
many things that I'm capable of doing and its scary to think of them.
Venting... no response is really needed
I miss a lot of things, especially affection.
Since I've been here I've felt things I havent felt in so long, like
loss... so much loss, rejection, this neverending void; this is what
happens when I get like this. This reminds me of this (state of mind)
I was in once. It happened when I was celibate. It's all around
painful to do that again. I just feel so dead, like my body is dead
and someone deep inside of me is this voice that has just a little
vigor left. Actually this is what
the meds do to me except I dont have to deal with all these stressful
thoughts. All of this could be a direct result of the intaking and the
indulgence.
end rant
I just wonder why I can't ever settle down, commit or anything of the sort.
mercredi 11 novembre 2009
Meaning of one of my tattoos
Robert on '39'...
"To come to "39" - I don´t feel like having no ideas all the time but sometimes I do. It´s an odd song that didn´t fit in the album easily and wasn´t easy to sing either - with a message like "I don´t know if I still want this anymore, I´ve got nothing to say". It had quite a contradiction in it. If I really hadn´t anymore ideas, I wouldn't have been able to write this song. But this was exactly the point that made it exciting. I told myself that, if I wanted to be honest to myself, then the song had to be on the album." (Zillo Magazine (Feb. 2000)
"I wrote that song on my birthday, just before entering the studio. I had the texts of all songs then, except the one that fitted with the melody of what would become '39'. I had decided not to celebrate my birthday, so I was just sitting in the garden with Mary, and I thought about all the years that had passed and about how time flies by... and I became totally depressed. I figured, looking back, that I hadn't reached what I wanted...
I felt like a failure. And I had the feeling that I was becoming less good. That I had stood still. And that's when I decided to write down honestly what I felt: out of that moment of weakness, I created a good song. I started to sing that text across the loop you hear in the beginning and the sentence that turned out to be the core of the story was 'The fire's almost out and there's nothing left to burn.'
After a while I thought: Jesus, I'm singing here about the fact that there's nothing left to sing about. This is wrong. I also thought: 'Shit, The Cure is the only thing I have in my life, I'm putting all my time into the band instead of doing adventurous things.' While others would say all we've done with the Cure is one big adventure. So I can't complain. And besides, what should I do if I wasn't in The Cure?" (HUMO magazine 23rd February 2000)
"I wrote it during my birthday. Instead of having a party, I just shut myself in a room all alone and started writing my own … Happy Birthday". (Rock Star February 2000)
"I originally wanted the song to sound really monotonous. It was really just one riff, and it was going to be the penultimate track on the album.
"I think everyone, if they're old enough, at some point in their life has thought, 'Where did my passions go, what happened to my desires to change the world?' You have to work harder as you get older, because cynicism is like a creeping insidious enemy that can poison everything. And if I'm really honest, I have to admit that I don't have the same fire, the same desire to be heart, that I had when I was younger.
"But I think that saying 'The fire's almost out' in '39' is not a statement that I'm giving up. I'm just being open and honest about the fact that what's driven me to express myself in the past is just not there like it used to be. That's neither a good nor a bad thing, it's just a fact." (Pulse March 2000)
http://www.thecurefanclub.co.uk/discography/39.htm
"To come to "39" - I don´t feel like having no ideas all the time but sometimes I do. It´s an odd song that didn´t fit in the album easily and wasn´t easy to sing either - with a message like "I don´t know if I still want this anymore, I´ve got nothing to say". It had quite a contradiction in it. If I really hadn´t anymore ideas, I wouldn't have been able to write this song. But this was exactly the point that made it exciting. I told myself that, if I wanted to be honest to myself, then the song had to be on the album." (Zillo Magazine (Feb. 2000)
"I wrote that song on my birthday, just before entering the studio. I had the texts of all songs then, except the one that fitted with the melody of what would become '39'. I had decided not to celebrate my birthday, so I was just sitting in the garden with Mary, and I thought about all the years that had passed and about how time flies by... and I became totally depressed. I figured, looking back, that I hadn't reached what I wanted...
I felt like a failure. And I had the feeling that I was becoming less good. That I had stood still. And that's when I decided to write down honestly what I felt: out of that moment of weakness, I created a good song. I started to sing that text across the loop you hear in the beginning and the sentence that turned out to be the core of the story was 'The fire's almost out and there's nothing left to burn.'
After a while I thought: Jesus, I'm singing here about the fact that there's nothing left to sing about. This is wrong. I also thought: 'Shit, The Cure is the only thing I have in my life, I'm putting all my time into the band instead of doing adventurous things.' While others would say all we've done with the Cure is one big adventure. So I can't complain. And besides, what should I do if I wasn't in The Cure?" (HUMO magazine 23rd February 2000)
"I wrote it during my birthday. Instead of having a party, I just shut myself in a room all alone and started writing my own … Happy Birthday". (Rock Star February 2000)
"I originally wanted the song to sound really monotonous. It was really just one riff, and it was going to be the penultimate track on the album.
"I think everyone, if they're old enough, at some point in their life has thought, 'Where did my passions go, what happened to my desires to change the world?' You have to work harder as you get older, because cynicism is like a creeping insidious enemy that can poison everything. And if I'm really honest, I have to admit that I don't have the same fire, the same desire to be heart, that I had when I was younger.
"But I think that saying 'The fire's almost out' in '39' is not a statement that I'm giving up. I'm just being open and honest about the fact that what's driven me to express myself in the past is just not there like it used to be. That's neither a good nor a bad thing, it's just a fact." (Pulse March 2000)
http://www.thecurefanclub.co.uk/discography/39.htm
jeudi 17 septembre 2009
It's not Syphilis
To Whom it May Concern,
I'm conflicted, I teeter between feeling like I've met my match and wanting to run into the woods hiding. Let's have a log cabin, one next to each other and try our hand at our own Walden Park. I won't miss much from this energy sucking city, but I'll love it just the same. This has been incredibly difficult and trying for me. I feel I've gotten bored with everything yet again. Maybe I'm boring myself and don't know it. At times I just want to squeeze you eternally and other times you try my very last stick of patience, but you're the closest I've ever come to a soul mate and I sincerely mean this. You're inhabited my brain and I don't know how I will ever get you out. You're so amazingly wonderful and I think you don't know it sometimes. So dearest I admit on this day I will always show my deepest admiration and respect and indulge you on your need to feel needed.
Bisous et Huggles
<3
Moi
I'm conflicted, I teeter between feeling like I've met my match and wanting to run into the woods hiding. Let's have a log cabin, one next to each other and try our hand at our own Walden Park. I won't miss much from this energy sucking city, but I'll love it just the same. This has been incredibly difficult and trying for me. I feel I've gotten bored with everything yet again. Maybe I'm boring myself and don't know it. At times I just want to squeeze you eternally and other times you try my very last stick of patience, but you're the closest I've ever come to a soul mate and I sincerely mean this. You're inhabited my brain and I don't know how I will ever get you out. You're so amazingly wonderful and I think you don't know it sometimes. So dearest I admit on this day I will always show my deepest admiration and respect and indulge you on your need to feel needed.
Bisous et Huggles
<3
Moi
lundi 25 mai 2009
Cynical Absurdity
How can I take you serious? How can anyone take anyone seriously?
Really is it that terrible to be close to others?
I've figured out the way the wheel turns
It's a cycle of abuse, get one on the next one
pssssssssshhh pass the pain along
If you don't do it someone else will, don't worry
Did you bite off more than you could chew?
It's not me, its you
Let's stop before we realize what we're doing
Can I distract you from the obvious?
What about overreacting and being paranoid is that okay?
Mental Patients who cover up their illness but in a crazy way
Never can I feel the way I felt,
so therefore anything else is irrelevant
Understandable to be a little mistrusting
When really who can you trust
Feel betrayed by even your own
Realizing you're really all alone
Well I don't suppose its really a big loss on my part
Mental Patients dressed as nurses
Producing little to nothing, helping no one not even themselves
Noir environment, breeds contempt, bury the emergency kit
Insecure, Jealous, Soul-Sucking Negative Pieces of shit
Really is it that terrible to be close to others?
I've figured out the way the wheel turns
It's a cycle of abuse, get one on the next one
pssssssssshhh pass the pain along
If you don't do it someone else will, don't worry
Did you bite off more than you could chew?
It's not me, its you
Let's stop before we realize what we're doing
Can I distract you from the obvious?
What about overreacting and being paranoid is that okay?
Mental Patients who cover up their illness but in a crazy way
Never can I feel the way I felt,
so therefore anything else is irrelevant
Understandable to be a little mistrusting
When really who can you trust
Feel betrayed by even your own
Realizing you're really all alone
Well I don't suppose its really a big loss on my part
Mental Patients dressed as nurses
Producing little to nothing, helping no one not even themselves
Noir environment, breeds contempt, bury the emergency kit
Insecure, Jealous, Soul-Sucking Negative Pieces of shit
jeudi 21 mai 2009
Commitphobia
HOW TO SPOT A COMMITMENT PHOBIC BEFORE HE BREAKS YOUR HEART!
MEN IN EMOTIONAL CONFLICT - By Jane Roder
Due to negative experiences and beliefs (or sometimes a personality disorder), both sexes can suffer from commitment phobia, but more and more men seem to be suffering from this problem (or challenge).
Let's look at some typical behaviours commitment phobic men display in relationships.
Men with commitment issues are tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships. In relationships they create great confusion, havoc, pain and anguish as their behaviours are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre.
These types of men create can make women who are saints turn into mad women, as they play games with their minds and their hearts.
I am writing this article from my own personal experience, my knowldege, and from interviews and research conducted by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. The interviews were conducted with over hundred men who can’t commit, and the women who have been involved with them. (Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).
Commitment phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:
They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
Commitment phobic men often will say they want a relationship, but they won't say they want a "no strings attached" relationship.
Their behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
They prefer not to include the woman in their weekend or holiday plans.
When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.
They are often unfaithful in relationships.
They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
They may create distance by having affairs, mentioning another woman’s name etc.
Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative damaged belief system about love and relationships.
They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
How to handle a commitment phobic
Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.
If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware
If you get involved before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.
Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
Don’t find excuses for his behaviour.
Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviours.
Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.
If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results
If you are in pain from a comittment phobic relationship you also may need some coaching to move you forward.
" For your life to change you must change" - Jim Rohn
What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?
He has to admit he has a problem.
He has to take responsibility for his behaviours toward women – that he leads them on and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
He has to want to change.
He has to be prepared to seek help.
He has to look deep within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.
He will require coaching or cognitive behavioural therapy to change his negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.
He needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and behaviours.
He must develop his emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).
If he doesn’t want to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship, that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.
MEN IN EMOTIONAL CONFLICT - By Jane Roder
Due to negative experiences and beliefs (or sometimes a personality disorder), both sexes can suffer from commitment phobia, but more and more men seem to be suffering from this problem (or challenge).
Let's look at some typical behaviours commitment phobic men display in relationships.
Men with commitment issues are tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about love, commitment and relationships. In relationships they create great confusion, havoc, pain and anguish as their behaviours are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre.
These types of men create can make women who are saints turn into mad women, as they play games with their minds and their hearts.
I am writing this article from my own personal experience, my knowldege, and from interviews and research conducted by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. The interviews were conducted with over hundred men who can’t commit, and the women who have been involved with them. (Ref: Men who can’t Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).
Commitment phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:
They usually have a history of short relationships and they may never have been married - there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is "someday".
If they have been married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a history of infidelity.
They want a relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
They are fast to move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until they win the woman over.
They are very charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they are always operating from hidden agendas.
These men are usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
Severe commitment phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become involved again.
Commitment phobics love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1 night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a decision made to move in together.
They spin stories to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they never do.
They tend to treat the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
They tend to limit the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low priority.
Commitment phobic men often will say they want a relationship, but they won't say they want a "no strings attached" relationship.
Their behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it won’t be forever”.
They often choose women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end relationships.
They can have a history of frequent career change and often work in environments where they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
They treat requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and rebellious.
Severe commitment phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or friends.
They know an ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to run when things start to head in that direction.
They like to feel in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the woman like a puppet on a string.
They don’t like structure, particularly in their personal life.
They tend to compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman shouldn’t meet these people.
They prefer not to include the woman in their weekend or holiday plans.
When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
Commitment phobics don’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting so bizarrely.
They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they can think of.
They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and what they are doing to create space.
Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation. Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all. They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not the case in their working environment.
They tend to blame and find fault with the women they are with, and use this as an excuse to end good relationships.
They are often unfaithful in relationships.
They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid spending a lot of time with a woman.
They may create distance by having affairs, mentioning another woman’s name etc.
Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another relationship.
If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive, or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or be involved in many projects to create distance.
These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to their negative damaged belief system about love and relationships.
They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel too anxious and guilty to do so.
Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a personality disorder.
How to handle a commitment phobic
Don’t rush into bed with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to be most wary of.
Take your time. Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.
If he tends to exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall - beware
If you get involved before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow him to set the pace.
Act like you don’t need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
Realize your love and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
Actions speak louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
Don’t expect a close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
Don’t cut yourself off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what you want, need and deserve.
Don’t find excuses for his behaviour.
Evaluate whether he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you are.
Don’t think it was your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it. Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again. Watch carefully for the behaviours.
Take care of yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the mood.
If you are continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching to get different results
If you are in pain from a comittment phobic relationship you also may need some coaching to move you forward.
" For your life to change you must change" - Jim Rohn
What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?
He has to admit he has a problem.
He has to take responsibility for his behaviours toward women – that he leads them on and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
He has to want to change.
He has to be prepared to seek help.
He has to look deep within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic symptoms started.
He will require coaching or cognitive behavioural therapy to change his negative, irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal, grow and change.
He needs some time out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and behaviours.
He must develop his emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not about religion).
If he doesn’t want to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed relationship, that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space and freedom and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.
lundi 18 mai 2009
Buddhism & Dishonesty
Q:How does one react to Infidelity aka Dishonesty in a relationship?
A Gut reaction is to not personalize it, as I believe it to be a reflection on the character of the person who was dishonest as well as a mirror to reflect their own insecurities.
A:There is a difference between the Buddhist practice of dispassion, liberation, and realization that there is no "self"; AND not making wise decisions for what is best and wise in your life.
If someone is cheating on you, you must decide not "why are they cheating?" but "what is best for me if he is?" Do you feel that this infidelity is something that creates an atmosphere that puts you at risk for your health? Is it your decision that this person's infidelity creates a dynamic to your relationship that you are not comfortable with?
And look at yourself. Are you even considering not leaving him because you are clinging to him? Do you feel that you know the real him or the idealize idea of what you wish he was? Do you accept the impermanent nature of all things (including relationships, people and personalities)? Do you fear letting go and being alone?
If you are the person cheating, do you feel that you are creating conditions that are wholesome? Do you feel the moments of joy are worth the energy of deceit and the suffering of keeping up the lie? Do you have compassion for your partner and their feelings? Do you find that your suffering can be answered by sexual adventures?
These are only some questions to investigate. The only answers are yours and your decisions. Be with the breath, and spend time investigating your own experiences, habits and being.
Namo Buddhaya
A Gut reaction is to not personalize it, as I believe it to be a reflection on the character of the person who was dishonest as well as a mirror to reflect their own insecurities.
A:There is a difference between the Buddhist practice of dispassion, liberation, and realization that there is no "self"; AND not making wise decisions for what is best and wise in your life.
If someone is cheating on you, you must decide not "why are they cheating?" but "what is best for me if he is?" Do you feel that this infidelity is something that creates an atmosphere that puts you at risk for your health? Is it your decision that this person's infidelity creates a dynamic to your relationship that you are not comfortable with?
And look at yourself. Are you even considering not leaving him because you are clinging to him? Do you feel that you know the real him or the idealize idea of what you wish he was? Do you accept the impermanent nature of all things (including relationships, people and personalities)? Do you fear letting go and being alone?
If you are the person cheating, do you feel that you are creating conditions that are wholesome? Do you feel the moments of joy are worth the energy of deceit and the suffering of keeping up the lie? Do you have compassion for your partner and their feelings? Do you find that your suffering can be answered by sexual adventures?
These are only some questions to investigate. The only answers are yours and your decisions. Be with the breath, and spend time investigating your own experiences, habits and being.
Namo Buddhaya
samedi 16 mai 2009
Ego and its Importance or lack there of
As inspired by the current chapter I'm reading
What is ego? It is the essence of identity, it seeks to separate an individual. Neither bad nor good but too much leaves an individual unholy dissatisfied due to an overwhelming, constant false need for validation through others. To fill an invisible void that has appeared from one's own mind.
What is ego? It is the essence of identity, it seeks to separate an individual. Neither bad nor good but too much leaves an individual unholy dissatisfied due to an overwhelming, constant false need for validation through others. To fill an invisible void that has appeared from one's own mind.
mardi 7 avril 2009
....
my head just wants to explode thats all really thats what I meant by the train comment, I actually meant what I said, I didn't mean to say it out loud I think though. I realized again after talking to this old coworker of mine who has a way more fucked up life than me that seriously my problems are nothing in comparison to hers in which almost every conceivable horrible thing you could have happen to you as a woman happened to her. She talks to my mom a lot and so then she is like oh you're so similar etc etc and it made me realize how my mother was always very cold with me and I don't think I ever learned how to express anything to anyone properly. And then I think of where she is in her life and I just feel bad for her. My coworker was saying she was so hard on me because she wanted me to be stronger than she was, but I don't even know what she is talking about because my mother is a cold hearted bitch when she wants to be and could be the sweetest pie too. But then when Im cold towards her she is all affectionate with me. She thinks that when im sweet with her I want something and thats not the case, I like being affectionate, its just always been hard to be.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything its just something that was brought up.
I'm not blaming anyone for anything its just something that was brought up.
lundi 16 mars 2009
Candlebright
For no special reason
I am leaving you for awhile tonight
I'm flying far above you
Still I love you
You make things right
[Chorus:]
I've been with you before
I'll be with you again
I'll come back for more, yea
The story has a strange ending
Well, you know me I'm a nomad
I can't feel bad
About the way I am
I've been rolling around
My whole life
You're my candlebright in the window
[Chorus:]
You guide me back again
And I come when you shine
You are not my friend, no
But I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
[Repeat verse and Chorus]
Still I love you
My candlebright
You are not my friend
But still I love you
You're my candlebright
Still I love you
But you are not my friend
But still I love you
I can't feel bad
I am leaving you for awhile tonight
I'm flying far above you
Still I love you
You make things right
[Chorus:]
I've been with you before
I'll be with you again
I'll come back for more, yea
The story has a strange ending
Well, you know me I'm a nomad
I can't feel bad
About the way I am
I've been rolling around
My whole life
You're my candlebright in the window
[Chorus:]
You guide me back again
And I come when you shine
You are not my friend, no
But I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
[Repeat verse and Chorus]
Still I love you
My candlebright
You are not my friend
But still I love you
You're my candlebright
Still I love you
But you are not my friend
But still I love you
I can't feel bad
dimanche 15 mars 2009
Happiness Abound!
***15 YEARS AGO (1994)***
1) How old were you? 8
2) Who were you dating? No one
3) Where did you work? no where
4) Where did u live? Kissimmee, FL
5) Where did you hang out? After school @ Cypress, friends houses
6) Did you wear contacts or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? Christina and then Amy
8) How many tattoos did you have? none
9) How many piercings did you have? 2 in my lobes
10) What kind of car did you drive? none
11) Had you been to a real party? sleep overs
12) Had you had your heart broken? actually a little, I had some crushes
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? single lol I think there were crushes though
14) Any Kids? nope
***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 13
2) Who were you dating? I had dated a few people
3) Where did you work? No where
4) Where did you live? Kissimmee then moved to Los Angeles
5) Where did you hang out? Donut Time after school with Pily and a bunch of other kids
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? in Fl I chilled with Sara Blount, Kristie Chism and a whole crew of peeps who wore black and were horribly depressed; in CA I hung out with Lucy, Masako, Erik etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? none yet
9) How many piercings did you have? prolly about 3-4
10) What car did you drive? I didn't get my license til I was 22
11) Had your heart broken? oh yeah plenty
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Went through several relationships, but more like secret obsessions i.e. Sorta like Claire Danes with Jordan Catalano...
13) Any Kids? nope
****5 YEARS AGO (2004)****
1) How old were you? 19
2) Who were you dating? I was but nothing serious and I didn't want to be tied down to anyone
3) Where did you work? Library @ school
4) Where did you live? Boston
5) Where did you hang out? Middle East, T.T.s, Manray, Club Fuxxx, Great Scotts, Pan 9
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? hmm prolly
7) Who were your best friends? Leah, Eviil, Gabbie, Jack, Lauren, etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? didn't get my first one until 20
9) How many piercings did you have? I think about 10, still had tongue, lobes, navel, septum, lower.... um yeah 10 sounds right
10) What car did you drive? I took the T
11) Had your heart broken? there was someone who I met who was like everything I ever wanted in a person and it didn't work and then the thing with my best friend was devastating
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? On and off dating, but nothing serious
13) Any Kids? nope
****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 23
2) Where do you work? in Union Square
3) Where do you live? Manhattan
4)Who are you dating? wouldn't you love to know?
5) Who are your closest friends? Too many to name seriously but here are a few from the list
IN FL: Christina, Amy, Van in CA Lucy, Audrey in MA Leah, Eviil, Jack and many others
in IL: Chelsey, Allison, Simone
6) Do you talk to your old friends? Definitely my friends are like Family
7) How many piercings do you have? same
8) How many tattoos? 2
9) What kind of car do you have? I had a Nail Polish Red 2008 Toyota Yaris but when I left FL I had to give it back
10) Had your heart been broken? you know not this year, but the last 2 years damn, but the one in
May 07 was worse than Aug 08
11) How many kids? NONE, dont wanna them
12) Are you Single? sure
Some things change...some just don't. All for the better if you ask me!
I took the time to do this...you had better too!
1) How old were you? 8
2) Who were you dating? No one
3) Where did you work? no where
4) Where did u live? Kissimmee, FL
5) Where did you hang out? After school @ Cypress, friends houses
6) Did you wear contacts or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? Christina and then Amy
8) How many tattoos did you have? none
9) How many piercings did you have? 2 in my lobes
10) What kind of car did you drive? none
11) Had you been to a real party? sleep overs
12) Had you had your heart broken? actually a little, I had some crushes
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? single lol I think there were crushes though
14) Any Kids? nope
***10 YEARS AGO (1999)***
1) How old were you? 13
2) Who were you dating? I had dated a few people
3) Where did you work? No where
4) Where did you live? Kissimmee then moved to Los Angeles
5) Where did you hang out? Donut Time after school with Pily and a bunch of other kids
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? nope
7) Who were your best friends? in Fl I chilled with Sara Blount, Kristie Chism and a whole crew of peeps who wore black and were horribly depressed; in CA I hung out with Lucy, Masako, Erik etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? none yet
9) How many piercings did you have? prolly about 3-4
10) What car did you drive? I didn't get my license til I was 22
11) Had your heart broken? oh yeah plenty
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Went through several relationships, but more like secret obsessions i.e. Sorta like Claire Danes with Jordan Catalano...
13) Any Kids? nope
****5 YEARS AGO (2004)****
1) How old were you? 19
2) Who were you dating? I was but nothing serious and I didn't want to be tied down to anyone
3) Where did you work? Library @ school
4) Where did you live? Boston
5) Where did you hang out? Middle East, T.T.s, Manray, Club Fuxxx, Great Scotts, Pan 9
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? hmm prolly
7) Who were your best friends? Leah, Eviil, Gabbie, Jack, Lauren, etc
8) How many tattoos did you have? didn't get my first one until 20
9) How many piercings did you have? I think about 10, still had tongue, lobes, navel, septum, lower.... um yeah 10 sounds right
10) What car did you drive? I took the T
11) Had your heart broken? there was someone who I met who was like everything I ever wanted in a person and it didn't work and then the thing with my best friend was devastating
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? On and off dating, but nothing serious
13) Any Kids? nope
****TODAY (2009)****
1) Age? 23
2) Where do you work? in Union Square
3) Where do you live? Manhattan
4)Who are you dating? wouldn't you love to know?
5) Who are your closest friends? Too many to name seriously but here are a few from the list
IN FL: Christina, Amy, Van in CA Lucy, Audrey in MA Leah, Eviil, Jack and many others
in IL: Chelsey, Allison, Simone
6) Do you talk to your old friends? Definitely my friends are like Family
7) How many piercings do you have? same
8) How many tattoos? 2
9) What kind of car do you have? I had a Nail Polish Red 2008 Toyota Yaris but when I left FL I had to give it back
10) Had your heart been broken? you know not this year, but the last 2 years damn, but the one in
May 07 was worse than Aug 08
11) How many kids? NONE, dont wanna them
12) Are you Single? sure
Some things change...some just don't. All for the better if you ask me!
I took the time to do this...you had better too!
jeudi 12 février 2009
Best Friend replacement FOUND me thinks
I went out last night to meet my friend for his birthday and ended up drinking a bit too much and losing my phone.
I ended up passing out at a strangers place and then waking up in the morning in willy b. I really lost my phone :( this is the first time I've ever lost it. I know its because I didnt have a pocket cause if I did it would have been in my pocket. Or if I had a zipper compartment in my purse. This girl complimented my purse last night which I found weird because I dont think its anything special.
So then I take the L back to the place I've been staying and get into the building through a neighbor but my friends didnt answer the door so I was left to venture to kill time before work. I bought a PENTA water and began being my jovial self. I was waiting for MetroPCS to open and stopped into Net Cafe and struck up a conversation with the girl behind the counter and I see best friend potential here as we have a lot in common and she actually has my old gay best friend's birthday so its entirely possible! heh
I've noticed that the greatest love of my life had brown eyes, maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't.
Anyway I ended up surfing the net and not getting a phone and just walking to work since I was close and wouldnt have time to buy a new phone.
Gotta get back to work and do an interview....
I ended up passing out at a strangers place and then waking up in the morning in willy b. I really lost my phone :( this is the first time I've ever lost it. I know its because I didnt have a pocket cause if I did it would have been in my pocket. Or if I had a zipper compartment in my purse. This girl complimented my purse last night which I found weird because I dont think its anything special.
So then I take the L back to the place I've been staying and get into the building through a neighbor but my friends didnt answer the door so I was left to venture to kill time before work. I bought a PENTA water and began being my jovial self. I was waiting for MetroPCS to open and stopped into Net Cafe and struck up a conversation with the girl behind the counter and I see best friend potential here as we have a lot in common and she actually has my old gay best friend's birthday so its entirely possible! heh
I've noticed that the greatest love of my life had brown eyes, maybe that means something, maybe it doesn't.
Anyway I ended up surfing the net and not getting a phone and just walking to work since I was close and wouldnt have time to buy a new phone.
Gotta get back to work and do an interview....
samedi 17 janvier 2009
Earl Grey marches to a soliloquy
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
*Void, Apathetic & Logical*
Current mood:No Mood, No sound, Nothing
As Always I am very much the same, but yet a new found feeling has taken over my mind, and penetrated it so throughly that it is difficult to push away. My mere thoughts drain me of anything that makes sense, but in a way it all does, the oddest dream I had the previous night. I awoke in the afternoon to have realized something I have always known and refuse to acknowledge as anything really; again the common theme of irony in my life, how it plagues me so.
Demands fly from oblivious places, and then resentment from individuals who are fairly disposable. I do not play courting games, I do not play games. I am very blunt it either is or it is not, its that simple. I cannot stand my time being wasted, perhaps if people were more interesting I would not bore of them so easily. I swore I took my medication but I do not believe them to be effective. I must do that, I constantly ponder about these trivial things.
To say the least, my classes with the exception of a required course are entertaining, and I am feeling some sense of accomplishment. I hope my phone dies and turns off and then I cannot answer it. But yet it still serves a purpose. I do not even really want to speak to anyone, what is there really to say? It is all a waste of time, because I am just bored with anything anyone has to tell me. I intensely dislike being around others and wish to run away and be left alone and know no one. I have this urge to move all the time, I cannot stand being social.
---End Grandeur Thoughts for the Morning---
Sunday, July 02, 2006
.....Rx Relief .... Mad Girl...Epiphany....
Current mood: apathetic
"Prescription medication
Should only be used in moderation"-me
...Fucked throughly in my mind; Recalling the boy who is kind© -Real Date September 21st
So I ODed today and here are some nice facts to go along with what happened. I took them in odd numbers, Wellbutrin. I was so tempted to take the whole bottle because I figured can't just throw away drugs. Since Friday I have been fucked out of my mind. I am slowly recovering, I was in a trance for 3 fucking days. I can't believe this, I don't think I have ever been so fucked up in my life. I am still shaky, but not so much. I hope I didn't fuck up anything, but I swear I have Cherophobia. My best friend and I are no longer friends he wouldnt even tell me why, but thats fine, whatever. My affection for a certain person disgusts me, it will pass as this feeling always does. I get bored I move on.... stop wasting my time......
Things to do when you've oded
-Drink water
-Don't fall asleep
-Take a shower
-Call everyone important to you, and make sure they know what you need to tell them just in case you die.
Symptoms of overdose may include seizures, severe confusion, hallucinations, rapid heart rate, and loss of consciousness.
Yellow indicates what I experienced.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Des baisers noirs sous la mer
Current mood:apathetic.relaxed. pensive.glamorous.beautiful mes
Period Dec.8th- Dec 13th
....................................................................................
THE REBEL is the make-up style that suits you the best. key colors: black, silver, hot pink, and anything sparkley
I'm going to start in January applying to schools and fill out the FAFSA. I got that email today, I really need to be serious about shit. I will make a list of goals and plans but not now, I have hw to do...
Nov.12th
Day 1- In my Smoke-free life, well cigg smoke free life, I like smoking pot. I woke up this morning with this urge to have my outer labias pierced. I want chastity piercings, I need to really do my work, and all I can think about is silly things that might make me happy. Cunt do your homework, you're going to fail if you keep this up.
a shitty apartment in a trashy city.
someone beautiful to hold me when I sleep and warm to wake up to.
wearing my makeup to sleep and still being hot.
basically be Marla Singer hehe
I hate living with people but I could see myself living with a significant other, and yes I am thinking about it with someone.....
I know I could live with guys, I cant live with girls.. well technically "I can" I would prefer not to though.
I'm pissed that the one person I had the best relationship in the world I lost and it wasn't my fault it was theirs and I want that back more than anything in the world. If I could have that relationship back I would be so happy.
I do not need to be with someone, I just need affection and I'm good. I can go years without sex (obviously); then I wonder if I should ever do it again, it just complicates things.
I'm on the rag today yay. first day of rag. the wheatgrass shot really helped with cramps, I just need to write this fucking paper and shit.
I'm not going out tonight until I finish most of my hw seriously.
thats the rant for now...
November 15th .... 10 days until my birthday
Currently listening:
Bricks Are Heavy
By L7
Release date: 14 April, 1992
Sunday, January 02, 2005
New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze
Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the loo and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.
Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add. All girls.
Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!
This went on for awhile, in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Sold k-pins. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am, VERY EARLY but someone was being an asshole thats why everyone had to leave.
So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister i dunno she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.
PRICELESS
This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? I didn't think I gave off that vibe but apparently I did and I apologize for the problems it caused.
Monday, January 02, 2006
New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the W.C. and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.
Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add, all girls.
Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!
This went on for awhile; in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am; VERY EARLY for Club Fuxxx standards but someone was being an asshole that’s why everyone had to leave.
So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister I don’t know she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.
PRICELESS
This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? Finally got a message about this and they seem to understand I wasn't hitting on them.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Quite Personal; Quite Nonsense
Current mood: anxious
*in a month someone will be a year older; not me; the fish in the sky*
Saw this and thought it was amusing: The boiled extract of this herb can be used as a douche for vaginal irritations: answer Privet.
Oh what are these? Current topics of interest.
http://www.cuddleparty.com/about/whatis.html
http://healing.about.com/library/howto/ht_hugatree.htm
http://healing.about.com/cs/grounding/a/bodyground.htm
http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/learnchakras.htm
I am sitting behind an infernal machine that makes me feel so anxious, among other things. Type1-C-1226; subject seems unresponsive and unnecessary, on this side of the experiment it is ended but perhaps the subject is in denial of their true homosexual nature. Questions Questions anyone? Species Genus however you put it: Out of site out of mind.(Beetlejuice Episode). The tried and true; the fish in the sky, its all in my head and seems like a lie. The intangible the impossible and the unimaginable.
Let's Play Worst Case Scenario...
1. Etudie. Travaille. Petite Ami. all suck all fail.... this is inevitable n'estce-pas? The two opposite sames aligned and it was great and it will be great.
2. No Etudie.Travaille. Le Booms. Disco. Voyager. Freedom. Completely free
3. Nien Null Nothing; this will in fact be a part of it somehow
4. That ideal image in my head that will ruin my life.
5. The most logical, planned, reliant, self-fulfilled, alone/not alone, etudie. travaille.
How much of this really matters?
How far can I push?
How far can I push you?
How far can I push you away?
How long will it take before you submit to me and then push back?
When will you stand up to me?
When will you realize I don't care and you are so disposible to me?
When will you realize that I do this on purpose and if you really cared you would see right through all of this?
I always get what I want, no wonder I get so bored.
The things that really matter, what are those? I know.
I have been complaining for nothing, I don't even care; these are trivial thoughts to occupy my never ending thought processes. These thoughts distract me from my real thoughts that make me even more anxious, flip out and have panic attacks. The medication is bullshit, all I feel like is a drug addict, I never envisioned myself this exact way. I suppose no one ever knows how they will turn out exactly, I knew how I would look and how I would act; but I wasn't sure on what habits I would have. I suppose it comes with the image, I'll never get away from it, I'm drawn to it.
My thoughts=their weaknesses
Their image=messiah
This makes sense, you just haven't figured out my logic or reasoning.
I can't wait to have a clove and enjoy it fully after suffering for so long. I long to quit infecting my lungs but it sometimes is very much needed. I'm debating about the other aspects and I suppose unless it really becomes an overpowering issue; its not important. I want to scream I want to scream I want to fucking scream. I am the girl in the corner who won't say anything to you, but will give you that dirty look because you are such a loser. Deep reserved. Kept intact why?
Question everything, is it so important to know everything, I just can't stand not knowing something. But with the answers I never have real answers when I find something else out, I question something else.
My stomach aches; give me some disco
I throb in pain, give me pleasure
Fuck you I just need to say
Number Cruncher... as in the game... what is it Number Munch? whatever it was called does anyone remember that? I always fancied the odd and prime numbers OF COURSE!
*Tea and Crumpets*
All I think about is my urges that aren't being fulfilled.
Actually it isn't, its just a topic I think about often.
Ever since you have known me has it not come across this way? Mia
I just had to prove to myself, that's the only person I really want to prove anything to. I just want to see if I can do it, I just enjoy the challenge. I don't need anyone and I don't really care if there is someone; I will always love myself more than anyone. I will go back to being completely antisocial again; I'm looking forward to not speaking to barely anyone. Always restraining myself, its too scary to let it all go and just let everything come out. But I definitely need some sort of emotional/stress/etc purging I want to be rid of it, I'm in transition and I'm almost through it; I can feel I'm almost there. Too many things to do, not enough time to complete it. Time Management. Not enough money nor motivation to do it; I'm not taking care of myself.
"I'm so real I'm beyond fake and one day you will ache like I ache"
It is not the sort of ache you think it is; its not the same fake nor the same real.
I'm so real, if you knew me you would know that. What you see is what you get.
XoX
Rozzalyn
aturday, June 17, 2006
*En Mon Tete*
Current mood:headache.other.manic
I believe a cigarette is in order at this very moment. What the fuck happened tonight, I'm very mixed right now. Sorted. Displayed.Torn.Assertive.Lost.Relieved.Writhing. Always with the strong feelings; never can be in the middle; one way or another; fuck I want this so badly but not really, I'm deceiving myself why? I love to distract myself from the painfully obvious. I wonder what the assholes are doing... prolly the same shit they always do, never ceases to surprise me how predictable they are. I've noticed the pattern and content to have kept my word. The lion in his den, pricking at his paw and feeling lower than dirt. Whilst the jovial archer is just in a state of ennui. Held back for so long, the final collapse of a lung, the poor dear. At least my grey muscle does not ache, thats because I'm cold and calculated and enamored with myself. My how I can keep myself entertained for hours, fucking manicness. This is why isolation is so pleasurable. I want to watch the sunrise again, the night at the beach was so enthralling. My instincts are always correct, long correspondences. You will not accomplish what you set out to do. I feel it coming soon, the lion must not die. I swear if he offs himself I would be so pissed. The synchronies are too perfect to be wrong. But the ebb of my life and how infernal the irony. Sounding too pretensious is absurd and I'm well aware of the disillusions of grandeur. Tonight I felt something that I haven't felt in awhile which I mean in months but before that was even longer. It's such bullshit; but its temporary and I will come out on top regardless. The phone call today was refreshing despite whatever was said. It could be anything really it wouldn't matter; I may change my mind; I am already bored but I keep thinking maybe its time for more. It's the one thing I've never been able to do, wait fuck I did it but not with someone I wanted to be with. Fuck stability, fuck the conventional although I do enjoy the furniture style labeled "Traditional" and that amuses me. Whatever. This is all bullshit, this is all banter in my head, none of it means anything to me. I'm glad someone picked up on it. I knew it would have never worked because we are the same person in so many ways, except I'm not like them. I had this entire conversation about past elitism and it's pros and cons. There is a little bit of possession on both parts although there is little to nothing to do about it. Except I refuse to actually admit anything, its just my aura of command. Demanding as fuck and always have been. Excuses why bother just be blunt with me, thats the way it goes, don't waste my time.
Memoirs. La porte avec ecrire. Little visions of things come to mind and some of them I cherish and others I simply displace but none of them do I regret. The only way I truly fail is if I fail to learn from the situation. Fucking lions how they weave themselves into my life and the lame rhyme and the sweet cheesy customer service rep. "have a nice day".... who says that... seriously. yet it's cute in this sickening way... this must be a problem. some forsaken emblem of nothing. Disappointment a familiar face, reminding me of certain things, wow that was odd how when envoked the fish succumbs to the centaur. BUSY SO FUCK OFF. GO AWAY. It's in your face so don't delay, why dont you waste some other day, you asshole. I'm not even angry I'm just jaded and bored. I'm not depressed. I feel so intensely but I fucking feel nothing. always on the damn see-saw. the drama. irony. but I adore the epipanies; I've managed to actually surprise myself. Never doubt me, it always works out no fucking matter what. The one time it doesn't will be my demise, its this morbid curiosity. How will it end? That reminds me of this story or movie where they read/tell them how they die and they die exactly in that way... oh its Big Fish. I cried I'm a pansy; Tim Burton films have the tendency in doing that because it visually expresses my feelings. My ideals of "Try" however romantic and appealing; once put into a reality perspective, knowing I could very well have that if I didn't already were just not worth it. I can't help thinking but I don't have any unanswered questions its more of firm convictions of being fucking dead on. I mean its possible I could be wrong but i'm uncanny at reading people. also people do not tend to excite, surprise, or entertain me too much.
that psychic has got to be wrong, but I know they are right and my cards
need to be read and my horoscope has seriously been fucking right for awhile now. The best part is she still didn't realize I took my fucking records heh, they aren't that interesting anyway.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Teal
Category: Life
Sipping on Earl Grey with a void expression and a grey muscle; Petunia sits and stares into oblivion. She wonders many things as always but has an instinct that derails her logic. They often have a discrepancy, but one of them nearly always wins. Again it will prevail its inevitable. Robotic emblems that give a sense of being grounded. The process in which was enacted and forsaken is now in place.
Sebastien entered the picture just suddenly only in a whisper, a vagary. Ineffectual as always, in a distance and abrupt at her side. Never concise in their dealings it was just not meant to be.
Evolved in another form perhaps then it would but until then its absolutely doomed. Rather jaded and bored of all these flowery formalities, Petunia picked up her encasements and walked into the familiar shadows.
Act II
Sense of Accomplishment
Thoroughly and in abundance these things never graced the worries of Marja. Statuesque and exquisite in her ways, she cleared the way for the embracing of a higher consciousness. A higher being, able to reach levels of being those surrounding were not. Not in arrogance but extremely difficult to rationalize these processes to the unaffected and fishmongers.
Cut down. Fear of developing a potential that further separates into a further exploration of a dissection. The liver adores her for the constant care and consideration. Concrete Consequentialism. What rubbish speaks a fool. Curses the burning point. Omniscient and Ra. Covered in an ethereal benevolent force. THINKING MIND NOT FEELING BODY.
Never feeling, always thinking, constantly mad. Distractions none, truth completely, and adoration in spirit. Beauty in deep dark crevices of the grey muscle and the brain. Seldom displaced, forever showcased to unknowing eyes.
Act III
Intermission. Novel Idea
Ponder the trivial questions that ones that the others cease to be able to answer. It's not the same, they are not the same. Frankly do you care? Wasted energy on a faux-vagabond. Juvenile in the most vexing ways but good spirited. Sand still runs through the omniscient hand. No worry or doubt shall cross the path of those entwined with these soothsayers. But the others will be encompassed by another distraction and they will perish from our mind and become dust as they should.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Anne, Neely and Jennifer
This works better than I thought it ever could. Today I bleed which of course makes both of us happy. I'm still in denial if I feel something, but doing this is just really easy and it doesn't bother me, that's why I stay. Fuck isn't that why I always stay. There is never any reason, other than. Well it's just hard to find these things and well I keep wanting to find something else, but why just because I can't feel trapped. I can't any sense of security, but they know it also. I'm not hard to read in any way, despite I'm not overly emotional, anyone with half a brain can tell what goes on, maybe that something is even going on.
So many choices, why should I choose, I can do any number of things. I'm barely ever stressed; I'm just in this really good place. I wish I could really describe it but I've been blank lately and overly affectionate.
Blanket
To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.
So we found these lights, and golden pieces of fabric from the Queen Street trash which never fails to have really cool trash. Someone made an electric chair from it.
I hand washed all my pantyhose and a few baby doll shirts.
He and I did 2 months worth of laundry because it really needed to be done.
We have been going out and staying out later which is great because we were both going insane from staying inside all the time.
Last night he stole this Ruby Gloom Poster for me, you can only get it here in Canada, because she now has her own show on YTV in Canada.
http://www.ytv.com/programming/shows/rubygloom/
It makes me happy!
We went to the Queens head and had some cheap shots; I can't drink so much due to my meds they have a bad reaction so I only had a shot of Jagermeister and 2 Ice Teas. Last night we went to the Blue Moon to drink and we both had a shot of Tequila with a lemon and salt. I just remembered how I had that Margarita Mix with Tequila and it was pretty good. The street booze I had found during September 1st during moving out/moving in day in Boston.
So my birthday is coming up and I told him what I wanted and what I want is actually cheaper than what he wanted to get me, he wanted to get me acupuncture session because I always have fucking back problems, because this bed we sleep in is so shitty and it makes a lot of noise. But seriously the coils stick in our sides and I can't even sleep on this side, so I sleep better on the other side, but either way this bed sucks.
Two books I just got The Frugal Traveler and Valley of the Dolls. The latter I'm half way through its really good.
We went to the Regent Park Film Festival; last night. It was free, it was held at a Public Middle School. I really love short films and of course independent stuff.
Love, Sex, and Ohhh….! Canada Run Time 89 Minutes
Co-presented by the Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival.
Films I liked:
INNOCENT: Cliff Kafai Mok/2004/Canada/6 minutes
This powerful animation film shows how love turns to hate under the influence of religious guilt.
It's animated and cute and funny and then it's really deep and disturbing.
FUTURE NATION: Kent Monkman/Canada/2006/10 Minutes
When a gay native teenager is outed to his older sister and homophobic brother back on the reservation- it's the end of the world-Literally.
It just has a cool plot, there are some things that don't make sense but the entire thing is really cute.
CAN YOU LOVE ME ?: Adam Garnet Jones and Sarah Kolasky/Canada/2005/10 Minutes. How far can the pursuit of love take you? This painfully intimate documentary about a Toronto artist's disturbing project is also an animation, an experiment with formal techniques and an examination of one woman's art and sexual politics.
I really liked this one because it was so honest, and it wasn't that disturbing it was really funny. An art student puts her picture on a flyer that reads; can you love me? With her phone number. So this guy Jordan
For my birthday he will buy me absinthe and we are probably going to the Mr. Leatherman Toronto, and take this S/M Seminar on Electric Play.
I was working on being a dominatrix and a foot model but we are leaving too soon for me to get much work. I will still do it and I think I may have a photo shoot coming up soon.
I'm making a scrapbook of our things from here. And I'm making a new outfit.
I just finished reading, Valley of the Dolls, so good.
hursday, November 23, 2006
New
I got a haircut, it was free courtesy of Aveda Salon in Toronto. It was a combined effort of the student and the instructor, either way I'm pleased with the results. The student showed me some cool tricks and teased by hair as well as making cool cuts and the back they did was really good, and everyone in the salon was quite impressed.
When I left he showed up like clockwork and handed me a bagel half with cream cheese and onion. Yum!
Last night
* Had Brandy
* Had absinthe
* Had a white Russian
We sat at the train station sitting around drinking Brandy out of a Paperbag, French Brandy no less. You americans are really missing out.
Sipped on the white russian and then sipped on the absinthe and then chased with the white russian, while on my Ipod Siouxsie was playing, it was one of those uber ridiculous moments.
So we are moving at the end of this month to Chicago. I plan on going back to school at some point in the near future.
Last night's dream:
To dream that you are playing a role in the movie, foretells that something from your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. It may also represent memories of images or scenes from your past. Alternatively, the dream may be pointing you toward a new role that you might be undertaking. Your unconscious is psychologically preparing you for this new role.
More in the works
-More photoshoots
-More results
-More crazy stories
hah whatever
Monday, January 01, 2007
nouveau-outings-chicago
I started my new job, its interesting so far. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but I'm learning quickly. New Years was better than I thought it would be but still didn't measure up to last year. This morning one of my favorite friends and I had a great conversation via aim. I'm off today and just relaxing, going to watch my Netflix, Hard Candy and my roommate's movie if I have time.
Listening to L7 and totally feeling it
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
heels. whip. plastic. hot wax and books
So I'm thinking new ink, new piercing and new hair style among other things, I just love new.
I hate shopping though of just any kind; can't ever find clothes in my size cause americans are fat. I bought a pair of pants which fit me fine in the store but when I wore them then fell off me, so it seems like I have to wear a belt with everything as well. Oh bought a pair of shoes a size and half smaller than what I need cause again americans are fat and need bigger shoes as well.
Also my sleep cycle is screwed up more than usual, I'm going to attempt to wake up early to do a few errands before I do my volunteer thing. I can't really sit around the house at all cause one it rots my brain and body and second it fucks my sleep cycle up and lastly it makes me just a little bit lazy.
I have plenty of errands to run, not even really fun stuff. Im not even that bothered by the weather, yeah its freezing but it doesnt bother me too much.
So I read a new book every week and my down time just goes to that, Im barely online; there isn't anything to really do and its a waste of time.
I can't wait to have a closet in the new room its going to be so nice; Im looking forward to it. They really need to fix this heat though, its just not warm enough in here. Even with the body heat. My new roommate is cool. My job is going pretty well, except I hate the rushing part.
I wish the world would chill the fuck out. The entire world needs to take a drag of a joint. I mean this in just a general metaphoric way, people need to relax seriously.
The library is so nice, I stayed longer than I thought and I'm going back today and man it makes me feel so good. It's really satisfying, relaxing and its the only time no one bothers me; when I have the right to be alone and bask in that.
No one will call my cell phone, no one will rush me somewhere, no need to change into some random outfit, no need to hold my piss, no need to turn my brain on....etc
I'm not used to working with people, I'm not used to helping people; I'm not used to it NOT just being about me; what's the point of being self-reliant if you still have to work for and with people? I'm not totally against this notion, I just would like to know why. I'd also like to know why I don't have much patience and why my ego seems to put me in overdrive, why I'm passive when I need to be aggressive; and probably vice versa. Is it misplaced, displaced or repressed? Maybe I'm just not angry, I'm seriously very content. I can't act I'm really bad at being so insincere.
I'm a terrible liar. I'm so inappropriate and irreverent, he started figuring it out when he saw what my paternal blood was like. He's yet to meet the other part of my DNA which is much more who I am. If anyone ever met my mother you would know one thing, she made me literally, I owe every fiber of being to my mother. I dont look like her but that doesnt matter cause my personality isn't far off from hers. As I'm getting older I notice myself becoming more and more like them its so fucking weird.
I find myself having conversations about relationships with adults who are 10+ years than me, and its not me really saying anything. Also when I see other people and the shitty relationships they have, I appreciate mine just a little bit more. Cause in any sort of aspect I know its better than a lot of people's. But you know I really want to live alone, cause I miss being by myself I really do. I don't ever have enough alone time. Someone is always wanting my attention; it makes me want to run away for a few days and shut the phone off.
I need to make enough money to finance a small island for me to live on. I will make that idea that someone put in my head come true. I will make the ideas I put in my OWN head come true.
Insert witty comment.
Not Sincerely.
Rozzie. Rozz. Rozzalyn. MISTRESS ROZZALYN!
*Void, Apathetic & Logical*
Current mood:No Mood, No sound, Nothing
As Always I am very much the same, but yet a new found feeling has taken over my mind, and penetrated it so throughly that it is difficult to push away. My mere thoughts drain me of anything that makes sense, but in a way it all does, the oddest dream I had the previous night. I awoke in the afternoon to have realized something I have always known and refuse to acknowledge as anything really; again the common theme of irony in my life, how it plagues me so.
Demands fly from oblivious places, and then resentment from individuals who are fairly disposable. I do not play courting games, I do not play games. I am very blunt it either is or it is not, its that simple. I cannot stand my time being wasted, perhaps if people were more interesting I would not bore of them so easily. I swore I took my medication but I do not believe them to be effective. I must do that, I constantly ponder about these trivial things.
To say the least, my classes with the exception of a required course are entertaining, and I am feeling some sense of accomplishment. I hope my phone dies and turns off and then I cannot answer it. But yet it still serves a purpose. I do not even really want to speak to anyone, what is there really to say? It is all a waste of time, because I am just bored with anything anyone has to tell me. I intensely dislike being around others and wish to run away and be left alone and know no one. I have this urge to move all the time, I cannot stand being social.
---End Grandeur Thoughts for the Morning---
Sunday, July 02, 2006
.....Rx Relief .... Mad Girl...Epiphany....
Current mood: apathetic
"Prescription medication
Should only be used in moderation"-me
...Fucked throughly in my mind; Recalling the boy who is kind© -Real Date September 21st
So I ODed today and here are some nice facts to go along with what happened. I took them in odd numbers, Wellbutrin. I was so tempted to take the whole bottle because I figured can't just throw away drugs. Since Friday I have been fucked out of my mind. I am slowly recovering, I was in a trance for 3 fucking days. I can't believe this, I don't think I have ever been so fucked up in my life. I am still shaky, but not so much. I hope I didn't fuck up anything, but I swear I have Cherophobia. My best friend and I are no longer friends he wouldnt even tell me why, but thats fine, whatever. My affection for a certain person disgusts me, it will pass as this feeling always does. I get bored I move on.... stop wasting my time......
Things to do when you've oded
-Drink water
-Don't fall asleep
-Take a shower
-Call everyone important to you, and make sure they know what you need to tell them just in case you die.
Symptoms of overdose may include seizures, severe confusion, hallucinations, rapid heart rate, and loss of consciousness.
Yellow indicates what I experienced.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Des baisers noirs sous la mer
Current mood:apathetic.relaxed. pensive.glamorous.beautiful mes
Period Dec.8th- Dec 13th
....................................................................................
THE REBEL is the make-up style that suits you the best. key colors: black, silver, hot pink, and anything sparkley
I'm going to start in January applying to schools and fill out the FAFSA. I got that email today, I really need to be serious about shit. I will make a list of goals and plans but not now, I have hw to do...
Nov.12th
Day 1- In my Smoke-free life, well cigg smoke free life, I like smoking pot. I woke up this morning with this urge to have my outer labias pierced. I want chastity piercings, I need to really do my work, and all I can think about is silly things that might make me happy. Cunt do your homework, you're going to fail if you keep this up.
a shitty apartment in a trashy city.
someone beautiful to hold me when I sleep and warm to wake up to.
wearing my makeup to sleep and still being hot.
basically be Marla Singer hehe
I hate living with people but I could see myself living with a significant other, and yes I am thinking about it with someone.....
I know I could live with guys, I cant live with girls.. well technically "I can" I would prefer not to though.
I'm pissed that the one person I had the best relationship in the world I lost and it wasn't my fault it was theirs and I want that back more than anything in the world. If I could have that relationship back I would be so happy.
I do not need to be with someone, I just need affection and I'm good. I can go years without sex (obviously); then I wonder if I should ever do it again, it just complicates things.
I'm on the rag today yay. first day of rag. the wheatgrass shot really helped with cramps, I just need to write this fucking paper and shit.
I'm not going out tonight until I finish most of my hw seriously.
thats the rant for now...
November 15th .... 10 days until my birthday
Currently listening:
Bricks Are Heavy
By L7
Release date: 14 April, 1992
Sunday, January 02, 2005
New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze
Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the loo and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.
Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add. All girls.
Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!
This went on for awhile, in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Sold k-pins. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am, VERY EARLY but someone was being an asshole thats why everyone had to leave.
So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister i dunno she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.
PRICELESS
This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? I didn't think I gave off that vibe but apparently I did and I apologize for the problems it caused.
Monday, January 02, 2006
New Revelations...New Year's Craziness...Continued... Build an Army of Kamikaze
Category: Parties and Nightlife
Left the house before 10pm, walked to my T Stop, got off on Park Street and walked to the "Secret Location" I think I made it there before 11pm. It was in this artist's studio/warehouse; very nicely decorated, Deejay everything... The host was looking smashing as usual in his Beetlejuice inspired outfit. I myself was fabulous as usual. I sat around for a bit smoked my cloves, relaxed and decided to go to the W.C. and have some fun. Crumpet style if you will. I asked some kid to get me a drink and he gave me a 40 of PBR, so I drank that mostly alone.
Then...B1 he's a Mass Art dropout hung out with him for a bit kissed at midnight, I suppose we were being rough cause I lost the bead on my septum ring luckily I had jewelry in my ear I could use. Well he got boring so I ditched him and started dancing. There were very cool, attractive people I might add, all girls.
Great Dance Tunes were spinning, and I was having a blast, I kissed about 6 girls. There was one who was my favorite but sadly she lives too far away. :( I kissed all of their tattoos, lots of fun touching. 3 and 4 way kisses and all the boys were staring at us in awe and jealously. They tried to cut in so many times and we said, No Boys Allowed!
This went on for awhile; in between I had some Tea, hung out with my gf for the night. Went to what we thought was an after party and just ended up chilling there briefly had a great conversation about music and left. Well I went home with my gf and some other people. I left the party after 4am; VERY EARLY for Club Fuxxx standards but someone was being an asshole that’s why everyone had to leave.
So yeah went to the gf's cousin/sister I don’t know she gave us hot chocolate and we waited out until the subway started running again. It was down to me and this one guy who was walking with us to the girl's place. He went his way I went mine. I finally got home at like 8am.
PRICELESS
This morning I get a crazy message from this kid I was just talking to and I guess he thought I was hitting on him... can't people just have intellectual conversations anymore? Finally got a message about this and they seem to understand I wasn't hitting on them.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Quite Personal; Quite Nonsense
Current mood: anxious
*in a month someone will be a year older; not me; the fish in the sky*
Saw this and thought it was amusing: The boiled extract of this herb can be used as a douche for vaginal irritations: answer Privet.
Oh what are these? Current topics of interest.
http://www.cuddleparty.com/about/whatis.html
http://healing.about.com/library/howto/ht_hugatree.htm
http://healing.about.com/cs/grounding/a/bodyground.htm
http://healing.about.com/cs/chakras/a/learnchakras.htm
I am sitting behind an infernal machine that makes me feel so anxious, among other things. Type1-C-1226; subject seems unresponsive and unnecessary, on this side of the experiment it is ended but perhaps the subject is in denial of their true homosexual nature. Questions Questions anyone? Species Genus however you put it: Out of site out of mind.(Beetlejuice Episode). The tried and true; the fish in the sky, its all in my head and seems like a lie. The intangible the impossible and the unimaginable.
Let's Play Worst Case Scenario...
1. Etudie. Travaille. Petite Ami. all suck all fail.... this is inevitable n'estce-pas? The two opposite sames aligned and it was great and it will be great.
2. No Etudie.Travaille. Le Booms. Disco. Voyager. Freedom. Completely free
3. Nien Null Nothing; this will in fact be a part of it somehow
4. That ideal image in my head that will ruin my life.
5. The most logical, planned, reliant, self-fulfilled, alone/not alone, etudie. travaille.
How much of this really matters?
How far can I push?
How far can I push you?
How far can I push you away?
How long will it take before you submit to me and then push back?
When will you stand up to me?
When will you realize I don't care and you are so disposible to me?
When will you realize that I do this on purpose and if you really cared you would see right through all of this?
I always get what I want, no wonder I get so bored.
The things that really matter, what are those? I know.
I have been complaining for nothing, I don't even care; these are trivial thoughts to occupy my never ending thought processes. These thoughts distract me from my real thoughts that make me even more anxious, flip out and have panic attacks. The medication is bullshit, all I feel like is a drug addict, I never envisioned myself this exact way. I suppose no one ever knows how they will turn out exactly, I knew how I would look and how I would act; but I wasn't sure on what habits I would have. I suppose it comes with the image, I'll never get away from it, I'm drawn to it.
My thoughts=their weaknesses
Their image=messiah
This makes sense, you just haven't figured out my logic or reasoning.
I can't wait to have a clove and enjoy it fully after suffering for so long. I long to quit infecting my lungs but it sometimes is very much needed. I'm debating about the other aspects and I suppose unless it really becomes an overpowering issue; its not important. I want to scream I want to scream I want to fucking scream. I am the girl in the corner who won't say anything to you, but will give you that dirty look because you are such a loser. Deep reserved. Kept intact why?
Question everything, is it so important to know everything, I just can't stand not knowing something. But with the answers I never have real answers when I find something else out, I question something else.
My stomach aches; give me some disco
I throb in pain, give me pleasure
Fuck you I just need to say
Number Cruncher... as in the game... what is it Number Munch? whatever it was called does anyone remember that? I always fancied the odd and prime numbers OF COURSE!
*Tea and Crumpets*
All I think about is my urges that aren't being fulfilled.
Actually it isn't, its just a topic I think about often.
Ever since you have known me has it not come across this way? Mia
I just had to prove to myself, that's the only person I really want to prove anything to. I just want to see if I can do it, I just enjoy the challenge. I don't need anyone and I don't really care if there is someone; I will always love myself more than anyone. I will go back to being completely antisocial again; I'm looking forward to not speaking to barely anyone. Always restraining myself, its too scary to let it all go and just let everything come out. But I definitely need some sort of emotional/stress/etc purging I want to be rid of it, I'm in transition and I'm almost through it; I can feel I'm almost there. Too many things to do, not enough time to complete it. Time Management. Not enough money nor motivation to do it; I'm not taking care of myself.
"I'm so real I'm beyond fake and one day you will ache like I ache"
It is not the sort of ache you think it is; its not the same fake nor the same real.
I'm so real, if you knew me you would know that. What you see is what you get.
XoX
Rozzalyn
aturday, June 17, 2006
*En Mon Tete*
Current mood:headache.other.manic
I believe a cigarette is in order at this very moment. What the fuck happened tonight, I'm very mixed right now. Sorted. Displayed.Torn.Assertive.Lost.Relieved.Writhing. Always with the strong feelings; never can be in the middle; one way or another; fuck I want this so badly but not really, I'm deceiving myself why? I love to distract myself from the painfully obvious. I wonder what the assholes are doing... prolly the same shit they always do, never ceases to surprise me how predictable they are. I've noticed the pattern and content to have kept my word. The lion in his den, pricking at his paw and feeling lower than dirt. Whilst the jovial archer is just in a state of ennui. Held back for so long, the final collapse of a lung, the poor dear. At least my grey muscle does not ache, thats because I'm cold and calculated and enamored with myself. My how I can keep myself entertained for hours, fucking manicness. This is why isolation is so pleasurable. I want to watch the sunrise again, the night at the beach was so enthralling. My instincts are always correct, long correspondences. You will not accomplish what you set out to do. I feel it coming soon, the lion must not die. I swear if he offs himself I would be so pissed. The synchronies are too perfect to be wrong. But the ebb of my life and how infernal the irony. Sounding too pretensious is absurd and I'm well aware of the disillusions of grandeur. Tonight I felt something that I haven't felt in awhile which I mean in months but before that was even longer. It's such bullshit; but its temporary and I will come out on top regardless. The phone call today was refreshing despite whatever was said. It could be anything really it wouldn't matter; I may change my mind; I am already bored but I keep thinking maybe its time for more. It's the one thing I've never been able to do, wait fuck I did it but not with someone I wanted to be with. Fuck stability, fuck the conventional although I do enjoy the furniture style labeled "Traditional" and that amuses me. Whatever. This is all bullshit, this is all banter in my head, none of it means anything to me. I'm glad someone picked up on it. I knew it would have never worked because we are the same person in so many ways, except I'm not like them. I had this entire conversation about past elitism and it's pros and cons. There is a little bit of possession on both parts although there is little to nothing to do about it. Except I refuse to actually admit anything, its just my aura of command. Demanding as fuck and always have been. Excuses why bother just be blunt with me, thats the way it goes, don't waste my time.
Memoirs. La porte avec ecrire. Little visions of things come to mind and some of them I cherish and others I simply displace but none of them do I regret. The only way I truly fail is if I fail to learn from the situation. Fucking lions how they weave themselves into my life and the lame rhyme and the sweet cheesy customer service rep. "have a nice day".... who says that... seriously. yet it's cute in this sickening way... this must be a problem. some forsaken emblem of nothing. Disappointment a familiar face, reminding me of certain things, wow that was odd how when envoked the fish succumbs to the centaur. BUSY SO FUCK OFF. GO AWAY. It's in your face so don't delay, why dont you waste some other day, you asshole. I'm not even angry I'm just jaded and bored. I'm not depressed. I feel so intensely but I fucking feel nothing. always on the damn see-saw. the drama. irony. but I adore the epipanies; I've managed to actually surprise myself. Never doubt me, it always works out no fucking matter what. The one time it doesn't will be my demise, its this morbid curiosity. How will it end? That reminds me of this story or movie where they read/tell them how they die and they die exactly in that way... oh its Big Fish. I cried I'm a pansy; Tim Burton films have the tendency in doing that because it visually expresses my feelings. My ideals of "Try" however romantic and appealing; once put into a reality perspective, knowing I could very well have that if I didn't already were just not worth it. I can't help thinking but I don't have any unanswered questions its more of firm convictions of being fucking dead on. I mean its possible I could be wrong but i'm uncanny at reading people. also people do not tend to excite, surprise, or entertain me too much.
that psychic has got to be wrong, but I know they are right and my cards
need to be read and my horoscope has seriously been fucking right for awhile now. The best part is she still didn't realize I took my fucking records heh, they aren't that interesting anyway.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Teal
Category: Life
Sipping on Earl Grey with a void expression and a grey muscle; Petunia sits and stares into oblivion. She wonders many things as always but has an instinct that derails her logic. They often have a discrepancy, but one of them nearly always wins. Again it will prevail its inevitable. Robotic emblems that give a sense of being grounded. The process in which was enacted and forsaken is now in place.
Sebastien entered the picture just suddenly only in a whisper, a vagary. Ineffectual as always, in a distance and abrupt at her side. Never concise in their dealings it was just not meant to be.
Evolved in another form perhaps then it would but until then its absolutely doomed. Rather jaded and bored of all these flowery formalities, Petunia picked up her encasements and walked into the familiar shadows.
Act II
Sense of Accomplishment
Thoroughly and in abundance these things never graced the worries of Marja. Statuesque and exquisite in her ways, she cleared the way for the embracing of a higher consciousness. A higher being, able to reach levels of being those surrounding were not. Not in arrogance but extremely difficult to rationalize these processes to the unaffected and fishmongers.
Cut down. Fear of developing a potential that further separates into a further exploration of a dissection. The liver adores her for the constant care and consideration. Concrete Consequentialism. What rubbish speaks a fool. Curses the burning point. Omniscient and Ra. Covered in an ethereal benevolent force. THINKING MIND NOT FEELING BODY.
Never feeling, always thinking, constantly mad. Distractions none, truth completely, and adoration in spirit. Beauty in deep dark crevices of the grey muscle and the brain. Seldom displaced, forever showcased to unknowing eyes.
Act III
Intermission. Novel Idea
Ponder the trivial questions that ones that the others cease to be able to answer. It's not the same, they are not the same. Frankly do you care? Wasted energy on a faux-vagabond. Juvenile in the most vexing ways but good spirited. Sand still runs through the omniscient hand. No worry or doubt shall cross the path of those entwined with these soothsayers. But the others will be encompassed by another distraction and they will perish from our mind and become dust as they should.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Anne, Neely and Jennifer
This works better than I thought it ever could. Today I bleed which of course makes both of us happy. I'm still in denial if I feel something, but doing this is just really easy and it doesn't bother me, that's why I stay. Fuck isn't that why I always stay. There is never any reason, other than. Well it's just hard to find these things and well I keep wanting to find something else, but why just because I can't feel trapped. I can't any sense of security, but they know it also. I'm not hard to read in any way, despite I'm not overly emotional, anyone with half a brain can tell what goes on, maybe that something is even going on.
So many choices, why should I choose, I can do any number of things. I'm barely ever stressed; I'm just in this really good place. I wish I could really describe it but I've been blank lately and overly affectionate.
Blanket
To see a blanket in your dream, symbolizes warmth, love, security and protection. You may be seeking for some form of shelter from the outside world. Consider also how your dream may be calling attention to a "cover-up" in some situation or circumstance in your waking life.
So we found these lights, and golden pieces of fabric from the Queen Street trash which never fails to have really cool trash. Someone made an electric chair from it.
I hand washed all my pantyhose and a few baby doll shirts.
He and I did 2 months worth of laundry because it really needed to be done.
We have been going out and staying out later which is great because we were both going insane from staying inside all the time.
Last night he stole this Ruby Gloom Poster for me, you can only get it here in Canada, because she now has her own show on YTV in Canada.
http://www.ytv.com/programming/shows/rubygloom/
It makes me happy!
We went to the Queens head and had some cheap shots; I can't drink so much due to my meds they have a bad reaction so I only had a shot of Jagermeister and 2 Ice Teas. Last night we went to the Blue Moon to drink and we both had a shot of Tequila with a lemon and salt. I just remembered how I had that Margarita Mix with Tequila and it was pretty good. The street booze I had found during September 1st during moving out/moving in day in Boston.
So my birthday is coming up and I told him what I wanted and what I want is actually cheaper than what he wanted to get me, he wanted to get me acupuncture session because I always have fucking back problems, because this bed we sleep in is so shitty and it makes a lot of noise. But seriously the coils stick in our sides and I can't even sleep on this side, so I sleep better on the other side, but either way this bed sucks.
Two books I just got The Frugal Traveler and Valley of the Dolls. The latter I'm half way through its really good.
We went to the Regent Park Film Festival; last night. It was free, it was held at a Public Middle School. I really love short films and of course independent stuff.
Love, Sex, and Ohhh….! Canada Run Time 89 Minutes
Co-presented by the Inside Out Lesbian and Gay Film and Video Festival.
Films I liked:
INNOCENT: Cliff Kafai Mok/2004/Canada/6 minutes
This powerful animation film shows how love turns to hate under the influence of religious guilt.
It's animated and cute and funny and then it's really deep and disturbing.
FUTURE NATION: Kent Monkman/Canada/2006/10 Minutes
When a gay native teenager is outed to his older sister and homophobic brother back on the reservation- it's the end of the world-Literally.
It just has a cool plot, there are some things that don't make sense but the entire thing is really cute.
CAN YOU LOVE ME ?: Adam Garnet Jones and Sarah Kolasky/Canada/2005/10 Minutes. How far can the pursuit of love take you? This painfully intimate documentary about a Toronto artist's disturbing project is also an animation, an experiment with formal techniques and an examination of one woman's art and sexual politics.
I really liked this one because it was so honest, and it wasn't that disturbing it was really funny. An art student puts her picture on a flyer that reads; can you love me? With her phone number. So this guy Jordan
For my birthday he will buy me absinthe and we are probably going to the Mr. Leatherman Toronto, and take this S/M Seminar on Electric Play.
I was working on being a dominatrix and a foot model but we are leaving too soon for me to get much work. I will still do it and I think I may have a photo shoot coming up soon.
I'm making a scrapbook of our things from here. And I'm making a new outfit.
I just finished reading, Valley of the Dolls, so good.
hursday, November 23, 2006
New
I got a haircut, it was free courtesy of Aveda Salon in Toronto. It was a combined effort of the student and the instructor, either way I'm pleased with the results. The student showed me some cool tricks and teased by hair as well as making cool cuts and the back they did was really good, and everyone in the salon was quite impressed.
When I left he showed up like clockwork and handed me a bagel half with cream cheese and onion. Yum!
Last night
* Had Brandy
* Had absinthe
* Had a white Russian
We sat at the train station sitting around drinking Brandy out of a Paperbag, French Brandy no less. You americans are really missing out.
Sipped on the white russian and then sipped on the absinthe and then chased with the white russian, while on my Ipod Siouxsie was playing, it was one of those uber ridiculous moments.
So we are moving at the end of this month to Chicago. I plan on going back to school at some point in the near future.
Last night's dream:
To dream that you are playing a role in the movie, foretells that something from your unconscious is about to emerge or be revealed. It may also represent memories of images or scenes from your past. Alternatively, the dream may be pointing you toward a new role that you might be undertaking. Your unconscious is psychologically preparing you for this new role.
More in the works
-More photoshoots
-More results
-More crazy stories
hah whatever
Monday, January 01, 2007
nouveau-outings-chicago
I started my new job, its interesting so far. It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be but I'm learning quickly. New Years was better than I thought it would be but still didn't measure up to last year. This morning one of my favorite friends and I had a great conversation via aim. I'm off today and just relaxing, going to watch my Netflix, Hard Candy and my roommate's movie if I have time.
Listening to L7 and totally feeling it
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
heels. whip. plastic. hot wax and books
So I'm thinking new ink, new piercing and new hair style among other things, I just love new.
I hate shopping though of just any kind; can't ever find clothes in my size cause americans are fat. I bought a pair of pants which fit me fine in the store but when I wore them then fell off me, so it seems like I have to wear a belt with everything as well. Oh bought a pair of shoes a size and half smaller than what I need cause again americans are fat and need bigger shoes as well.
Also my sleep cycle is screwed up more than usual, I'm going to attempt to wake up early to do a few errands before I do my volunteer thing. I can't really sit around the house at all cause one it rots my brain and body and second it fucks my sleep cycle up and lastly it makes me just a little bit lazy.
I have plenty of errands to run, not even really fun stuff. Im not even that bothered by the weather, yeah its freezing but it doesnt bother me too much.
So I read a new book every week and my down time just goes to that, Im barely online; there isn't anything to really do and its a waste of time.
I can't wait to have a closet in the new room its going to be so nice; Im looking forward to it. They really need to fix this heat though, its just not warm enough in here. Even with the body heat. My new roommate is cool. My job is going pretty well, except I hate the rushing part.
I wish the world would chill the fuck out. The entire world needs to take a drag of a joint. I mean this in just a general metaphoric way, people need to relax seriously.
The library is so nice, I stayed longer than I thought and I'm going back today and man it makes me feel so good. It's really satisfying, relaxing and its the only time no one bothers me; when I have the right to be alone and bask in that.
No one will call my cell phone, no one will rush me somewhere, no need to change into some random outfit, no need to hold my piss, no need to turn my brain on....etc
I'm not used to working with people, I'm not used to helping people; I'm not used to it NOT just being about me; what's the point of being self-reliant if you still have to work for and with people? I'm not totally against this notion, I just would like to know why. I'd also like to know why I don't have much patience and why my ego seems to put me in overdrive, why I'm passive when I need to be aggressive; and probably vice versa. Is it misplaced, displaced or repressed? Maybe I'm just not angry, I'm seriously very content. I can't act I'm really bad at being so insincere.
I'm a terrible liar. I'm so inappropriate and irreverent, he started figuring it out when he saw what my paternal blood was like. He's yet to meet the other part of my DNA which is much more who I am. If anyone ever met my mother you would know one thing, she made me literally, I owe every fiber of being to my mother. I dont look like her but that doesnt matter cause my personality isn't far off from hers. As I'm getting older I notice myself becoming more and more like them its so fucking weird.
I find myself having conversations about relationships with adults who are 10+ years than me, and its not me really saying anything. Also when I see other people and the shitty relationships they have, I appreciate mine just a little bit more. Cause in any sort of aspect I know its better than a lot of people's. But you know I really want to live alone, cause I miss being by myself I really do. I don't ever have enough alone time. Someone is always wanting my attention; it makes me want to run away for a few days and shut the phone off.
I need to make enough money to finance a small island for me to live on. I will make that idea that someone put in my head come true. I will make the ideas I put in my OWN head come true.
Insert witty comment.
Not Sincerely.
Rozzie. Rozz. Rozzalyn. MISTRESS ROZZALYN!
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